That Old Mask

   I’ll never forget the night I revealed the mask to my wife for the very first time.  We had not been married long and the event was hilarious.  The mask has now become a tradition with us, though the cat is not especially impressed. 

  It was one of those old rubber Halloween masks I wore as a child while trick-or-treating at Halloween.  The mask was the wretched scarred face of an old man with warts and great big rubber ears on each side.  To say it was horribly ugly is to be diplomatic.  This mask was scary in every way. One night I decided to have a little fun with my wife.  We had been watching TV in the den, when she needed to go to the restroom.  Quickly I scooted to the bedroom, got the mask, put it on, and stood at the bathroom door waiting for her to come out.  When she opened the door, a look of sheer terror instantly appeared on her face accompanied by a prolonged scream that surely waked some of the dead in a nearby cemetery.  By contrast, I fell to the floor in uncontrollable laughter so intense I almost could not breathe.  Of course she chased me all over the house slapping me with that rubber mask.  We laughed about this for days, and still do from time to time.

   The second time I tortured my wife with the mask was many weeks later.  As before, we were watching television in the den.  I had gotten a new idea from a television show and decided to try it on her.  With great care, I cut a piece of cardboard to fit under the toilet seat.  Stretching the mask across the cardboard to appear as a face in the toilet, I closed the lid and waited.  Sure enough, at the commercial break. my wife went to the rest room. I waited in suspense for the sound of her horrified shock. She did not disappoint me.  A blood curdling scream erupted that sent our sleeping cat leaping three feet into the air.  When Miss Kitty landed, she ran through the house like her tail was on fire, in and out of every room, round and round the house.  Once again I was on the floor laughing with such intensity, I pulled a muscle.  It hurt for days leaving me to wonder if I had a hernia.  It would have been well deserved, I suppose, but worth it.  Once again, my wife came running after me flailing the mask.  The cat hid somewhere for several hours.  She finally came slinking slowly back into the den, sat on her haunches, and stared at us as if we were a couple of idiots.  Rightfully so, I guess.