Monthly Horoscopes for Animals

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – If your dog was born an Aries, he is going to be extra affectionate for the month of October, probably because he or she knows that at the end of the month there is bound to be a stash of candy somewhere, and he or she wants in.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Your Taurus cat will be a surprisingly good listener this month, but it is more than likely he or she will ruin by sleeping a lot on your favorite quilt and covering it with hair.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Your Gemini cockatiels will party too much and then fight, loudly. Probably over the last sunflower seed in the dish. They are just ornery because they know they aren’t allowed to eat candy at the end of the month with everyone else.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – If your crustaceous aquarium/tank dwellers seem calm, it is deceptive. Crabs are very anxious this month. They know that when your Taurus cat sleeps, she is dreaming about eating them.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – If your overfed iguana is a Leo, don’t let him go roaming all over the house by himself. He’s going to swallow a quarter, which is something you need, and something his lizard belly won’t like.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Does your Virgo monkey know any good tricks? Or will she at least agree to wear a stupid costume in public? Take your act on the road babe, her inner rockstar is ready to shine and the pay won’t be bad, either.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – Remember that suspiciously bloated stray cat/dog/mouse you took in who later gave birth to a litter for whom you were hoping to find good caring homes but had no luck? Your worries are over this month! Someone will take every last one of them in, although we suspect that you really want to hang on to that one last little runt.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Your pet heavy metal band member from 1987 will continue to be reluctant to change his hair-style. On the bright side, he is willing to change his leather pants.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) If you are a without animal, be careful in the wild, for it is likely that some wild sagittarian creature will take an interest in playing with you. That’s kind of cool if it’s like a fox or a squirrel, but you might want to watch out if its a bear.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Any animal that is a Capricorn will end up banging, head first, into walls this month. Get your ferret some protective head gear.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Remember those sea monkeys you had? Well, maybe you should remember them more often, because they’re dead!

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Are your fish getting too big for their housing? Maybe you should talk to your neighbor – all his sea monkeys just died. I think he has an extra tank.