How to Raise an Idiot Dog

Do you despise going to your neighbor’s house and watching their well behaved dog do the same ten minute routine of stupid dog tricks? Seriously, the first time I saw a dog shake hands was enough to last me the rest of my life. It’s like watching family vacation slides of our trip to Disney World. I hated Disney World. My kids were bored, the wife was sunburned, and yet, we put together a two hour slide show set to an endless loop of “It’s A Small World”. The only one who liked the slide show was my mother in law. She was in a coma, but the nurse told us that a blink meant she had enjoyed the show. Either way, this dog rivalry has me steamed.

Take my neighbor Rich, for instance. You walk into his house and first thing he tells me is Max watches “The Dog Whisperer” on the television. Not only that, but the dog retains what it learns. I ask to see the test results but Rich says his printer is out of paper. (Likely story.) Does Rich offer a beer, some pretzels? No. Not until Max performs like a trained monkey. On top of that Max gets better treats than the house guests. I know because I sampled some of Max’s treats. Cubed beef cooked medium rare in a garlic-wine sauce topped with thinly sliced Shitaki mushrooms. Rich’s wife lined his pants pockets with Glad Wrap so he could keep the treats fresh. (And no, I didn’t reach into Rich’s pocket.)

Rich boasts that Max can insert the Dog Whisperer DVD into the player and select his favorite Cesar Millan episode. I tell Rich, “That’s nothing, Otis can go to the toilet, flush when he’s done, and spray the air freshener.” Of course I’m lying, because it always turns into a “My Dog Is Smarter Than Your Dog” rivalry. By the time we get home, the wife is upset because Otis is an idiot-dog compared to every other dog on the block. The only pleasure I get from visiting Rich’s house is watching Otis take a large dump on Rich’s well manicured lawn. I certainly don’t go for Rich’s stale pretzels or Max playing three measures of Eina Klina Nacht music with his nose. Really, I just couldn’t take it any longer.

To alleviate my anxiety I discovered how to train my dog to be an idiot. After months of intensive scientific research and exhaustive training I’ve found that having an idiot dog as your best friend can be a most rewarding experience. Keep reading and I will tell you how to raise the most adorable idiot dog. For simplicity I have reduced my findings into three easy steps.

Step One

Lower your expectations. Dogs, like most people, aren’t rocket scientists. As soon as you come to that conclusion anything your dog does will be really smart. Also, there are several tricks your dog already knows – and you can take credit. For instance, I say “I’ve trained my dog to sleep eighteen hours a day.” Bam, the dog and I are genius. Another quickie – Tie a small slice of rare roast beef to your dog’s tail. In no time at all he’ll be chasing his tail like a whirling dervish.

Step Two

Don’t do anything at all. This really ties into lowered expectations, but think for a moment. If my dog is the human equivalent of Bart Simpson it’s all good, right? Let me put this another way. Suppose your kids are failing school. You can do nothing, and it’s likely they won’t ever get worse than an “F” for the rest of the semester. Step Two is deceptively Zen like. Just do nothing.

Step Three

Never expose your dog to any animal that’s smarter than they are – including worms, goldfish, guinea pigs, and certain types of volcanic rock. Avoid interaction with inanimate objects such as stuffed animals dressed in high school graduation gowns. Following these guidelines allows your dog to lower his own expectations of himself. I have discovered that dogs tend to underachieve. When they are academically challenged their personalities suffer. Have you ever seen a happy, well trained dog? You may think you have, but it’s all an act. Dogs prefer to be like Rain Man, Forrest Gump, Gilligan, our soon to be former president. The sooner you learn these simple techniques the happier you and your family will be.

photo by Otis stambler