Job Loss: 8 Ways to Minimize the Effects on Your Marriage and Family

Losing a job is bad enough, but even worse is the chaos it can create in a marriage. Unemployment inevitably shifts family roles, especially when it lasts for a long period of time. The corrosive effects of financial problems, depression, resentment, loss of identity and even envy of the other spouse begin to take their toll. Comfortable living patterns are disrupted and family tensions can escalate if one or both parents are uncomfortable assuming the role of the other. Children may also be confused and have difficulty adjusting. They may feel their lives are being uprooted unfairly and are unable to understand, especially if they have been sheltered from the reality of the job loss.

A job loss can create circumstances and set in motion a series of events from which it may take years to recover. What you do and how you choose to cope early on greatly influences the outcome and how it affects you and your family. There are number of ways to regain control, repair your damaged ego and get yourself back on track.

Acknowledge Your Loss

Denying or ignoring your feelings might temporarily cushion your discomfort, but it will only prolong your misery. Allow yourself to grieve, feel anger or be depressed or anxious. Have a good cry if you feel like it or hit a pillow to vent your rage at the unfairness of the situation. It may help to offload your anger onto paper: write it down and get rid of it so it does not sabotage your job search. Just don’t allow yourself to wallow in misery or take it out on your family. If you are to recapture the positive frame of mind you need to find another job, you must first work your way through your own negativity.

Get Counseling if You Are Unable to Move On

 While it is important to acknowledge and process your negative feelings, dwelling on them for an extended period of time can put your physical and mental well being at risk. Unresolved anger is especially damaging. Not only can it harm you physically, it can affect your relationships with friends and family just when you need them the most. Anger can quickly slide into full blown depression as you continue to mourn your loss and question your worth and abilities. It is important to recognize when you have gone beyond normal emotional reactions and realize you need help. How do you recognize the signs?  If you are stuck in any of the following, it is time to seek professional help:

• Feeling stunned or dazed
• Excessive dwelling on the past and what was
• Focusing on ways to get revenge
• Obsessive anger and bitterness over what has happened
• Persistent feelings of unfairness
• Envy of or irritation at others who are still employed
• Feelings that life is empty or without meaning
• Difficulty trusting others
• Feeling lonely or isolated most of the time
• Inability to pick up the pieces and move on

Stay Close to Friends and Family

 Now is not the time to withdraw to nurse your wounds. While you may feel like staying in bed and pulling the covers up over your head, you need your friends and family around you. They can be a greater source of strength than you realize, and there is no disgrace in needing someone to lean on. Having someone you trust who can hold you up when you are sinking can make all the difference in how you get through this bad time. The people who care most about you are the ones who will “tell it like it is” and give you a prod when your spirits and energies falter.

Communicate at Home.

A parent’s job loss significantly changes a child’s world. Children are perceptive; they know when something is wrong, so it is futile to hide your concerns from them. Without understanding the reason for the unhappiness in their home, children may blame themselves and feel responsible for mom or dad’s sadness or anger. You must make a point of telling your children that what has happened is not their fault. Children can be understanding and supportive when they know they are not to blame.

Structure and stability are especially important for young children. To comfort and reassure them, make every attempt to maintain daily and weekly family routines as much as possible. For example, if you are in the habit of taking the kids for ice cream cones on Saturday, keep doing it. Assure everyone that that this is only a temporary setback and that you will bounce back. Set an example by maintaining a positive attitude. While you may be tempted to isolate yourself or withdraw from daily interaction with your family, it is important for you and them to stay present. It may be useful to have regular family meetings to share information and allow everyone to vent their feelings or brainstorm ideas.

Laugh Often

While losing a job is certainly not funny and it may be difficult to find something to laugh about, there are many benefits to laughing. Not only is laughter a balm that soothes the soul, it is just as important to your health as eating right and exercising. We’ve all known for years that laughter is physiologically beneficial and is commonly used to promote healing. Laughter strengthens the immune system and produces endorphins, our body’s natural painkiller. Hearty laughter is good for the heart because it causes blood vessels to dilate. Laughter brings with it emotional release, mental flexibility and spiritual perspective, so try to find something to laugh about every day. Even more important, learn to laugh at yourself.

Be Open about What Has Happened

At first you may be embarrassed to admit you are looking for a job, but this may be your golden opportunity to do some unplanned networking. Don’t be afraid to say “I lost my job.” It is a great topic of conversation because nearly everyone knows or has heard of someone who is unemployed. You may find a sympathetic audience who might even have some job tips, contacts or other useful information to pass on to you. 

Give Yourself Some Time

Your first inclination may be to rush headlong into in a frenzy of activity to find a new job. However, like any emotionally devastating event, you need to allow yourself a little time to fall back, regroup and heal before you launch into a haphazard job search. Think of this time as an opportunity to make positive changes in your life and ask yourself some critical questions. Do you want to continue working in this field, or is it time for a career change? Could you benefit from some additional training or education? Is going back to school a possibility? Think ahead to where you’d like to be in a year, three years or five. If you could create the ideal job for yourself today, what would it be?

Make It Your Job to Find a New Job

It is easy to let procrastination sabotage your job search (and your life). Self discipline is now a must. Like it or not, you are now your own boss. Take small steps toward specific goals and reward yourself each time you reach one of them. This is a far better approach than driving yourself mercilessly, and then beating yourself up when you don’t meet your own expectations. To avoid exhaustion and depression, it is important to set and maintain a reasonable pace. Maintaining a daily routine helps keep you motivated and gives you a sense of purpose. Just as you would if you were going to work, get up every morning, shower and get dressed in presentable clothing. Then spend an eight-hour day making calls, sending resumes, researching companies, conducting informational interviews and networking with others away from your house. It is vitally important to get out and make personal contacts.

Keep job hunting even when your heart isn’t in it. When you still had your old job there were undoubtedly days when you didn’t want to go to work. Job hunting is no different. Just do your best every day. Seeing you in action will help your family feel less anxious and insecure about the future. Even when there are no results forthcoming, they will be reassured by your efforts. Keep reminding them and yourself that “this too shall pass.”