Household Hints & Tips for The Harassed Housewife

General household hints:

 When in a hurry, try carrying everything you need for the day down the stairs at once and then miss out the bottom three steps. You’ll be amazed at how quickly you and all your belongings get to the bottom!

When a light-bulb needs changing, don’t bother with a ladder, instead, balance precariously on a swivel office chair, for a much more exciting experience.

When going to the loo after your drunken husband, make sure you put his socks on – saves having to clean up his pee from round the base of the toilet, and is even more practical if he’s too lazy to put fresh socks on the following morning.

When changing kingsize duvet cover, make sure the cat helps by leaping in half way through, then getting scared so he scrambles back out of the duvet, if you are an expert, the cat will enthusiastically use one of your arms to help him gain purchase to escape.

To completely ruin your laptop and incur your boss’ wrath as you enter a very tight budget year, simply pour a cup of tea or coffee over your keyboard, then drop the laptop onto the floor.

When dressed and ready to go out for that important event, decide that you have just enough time to do those few dirty dishes. Make sure you leave a plastic tub in the bowl whilst filling it with water. This will then float under the running tap causing water to spray everywhere for that attractive ‘just stepped out of the shower fully clothed’ look. This particularly effective when you have spent ages getting ready, have nothing else to wear and your lift rings on the doorbell!

Always check shoes before putting them on for mice left there by the cat, for safe keeping.

Cooking hints:

When cooking food in the oven, never make a note of what time you placed it in there – just wait for the smoke alarm, or guess.

When you lovingly make a stew, to feed your hungry children after school, make sure you take it out of the oven without an oven glove for a beautiful al fresco kitchen display and a burnt hand…

The vital ingredients to a good cup of tea are: tea, boiling water, cold milk – the lack of any of these will lead to an unsatisfactory tea drinking experience.

When juicing, put a glass under the spout – this way, your whole body gets the benefit of the juice and not just your foot.

After enjoying a family barbeque using a disposable barbeque, don’t waste your time extinguishing said barbeque; just leave it on the floor. You will find that your cat sitting next to it with their tail resting on it will extinguish the flames rather well and the ensuing running round and squealing will attract enough attention for you to know that it is done.

When using your George Foreman style ‘health grill’ to cook sausages, ensure that you leave the drip tray in the cupboard and check progress of the food by pressing yourself against the edge of the kitchen worktop in your freshly laundered clothes. Linen shirts are particularly effective at mopping up congealed fat.

When eating curry or something equally stain-making, remember to wear your palest clothes.

Tidying hints:

Save cupboard space – Keep cups and glasses in the bedroom

Don’t bother with laundry baskets- the floor makes a much handier dirty clothes container.

When blowing on your laptop keyboard to remove dirt, remember to close your eyes.

Don’t change the empty toilet roll – just get another one and after a few months you will have a handy collection of cardboard tubes for arts and crafts!!!

Save money on toilet roll, because as all children know, little cardboard tubes are toilet roll seeds – If you leave them on the holder all night they’ll grow into a new roll.

When being ultra-efficient and cleaning up after cooking ensure that when washing up put in plenty of bubbles and put all sharp knives in the water. This is the kitchen version of Russian roulette.

When trying to get rid of a mouse in the kitchen put chocolate spread in a humane trap. That way the dog springs the trap while attempting to lick out the bait and keeps you awake half the night clattering round the kitchen trying to release their tongue.

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