Who Will Take Care of You When You are Old?
With fewer children, a mobile population, divorce, and the loss of a “village” of extended family – who will be there to care for you when you are old?
The Baby Boomer generation in America can be characterized (in general) by what they value: independence, freedom, wealth, and the pursuit of happiness. They can also be characterized by what they no longer value: traditional marriage, religion, and close ties with extended family.
Boomers in the prime of life have put career at or near the top of their priority list. Advances in careers often require mobility, which usually means leaving hometowns, parents, and extended family. For those who are young and single, this is not usually a difficult sacrifice to make. Marriage or cohabitation can require more difficult choices when career and relationship compete. Long work hours, unpredictable overtime, and, in this age of technological connectedness, interruption of down time, can wreak havoc in a relationship – especially if both partners are pursuing careers. Relocation can require a choice between relationship and career.
Adding children to the relationship calls for even more prioritizing. Most upwardly mobile, two career couples have already moved away from parents and other family; giving up the “village” that used to allow grandparents or other family members to care for children while mom and dad worked. It is extremely taxing to organize childcare and to perform the added household chores that having children brings. When one parent, usually the mother, must take on the larger share of this responsibility, the result will be tension in the marriage or primary relationship.
Most American families are also caught up in fanatic materialism, which has resulted in the highest personal debt load in history. With easy credit, conspicuous consumerism, extreme advertisement, and an entitlement attitude that tells us that we must maintain a certain standard of living and that we deserve these things because we work so hard, and because “dammit, we’re Americans” it is easy to see that something has got to give.
Complicating all of this responsibility and tension is the societal expectation that we should all be free to pursue personal happiness, even in the midst of juggling a demanding career, children, and a primary relationship. Escape in the form of a new relationship with none of these burdens can seem like an oasis of freedom in a desert of responsibility.
Commitment to family, especially to a marriage or equivalent relationship is not valued in America nearly as much as it was to former generations. Divorce is relatively easy to acquire, at least legally. It no longer carries a social stigma; in fact, vowing to stay married “until death do us part” is no longer a societal expectation.
Americans are having fewer children, since the pursuit of personal happiness conflicts with the commitment required to raise children. The marriage/ divorce/ remarriage cycle results in complex and often estranged or hostile relationships between parents and children.
So with divorce, fewer children, scattered extended families, and complicated family relationships, more and more American seniors are going to be growing old alone. The expectation that adult children will care for elderly parents conflicts with the expectation that the next generation of adults will be pursuing their own happiness and needing time for their careers and juggling children and marriage…
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Published in: Family
Christine Ramsay | Jul 15, 2010 | Reply
It all adds up to excess stress. Even though I have children I wouldn’t want to burden them with my care. A well written and thought provoking article.
Christine
Brenda Nelson | Jul 15, 2010 | Reply
i dont think its my kids job to look after me when I am old.. thats not why I had her.. it is up to me to put my money away for my old age…
Karen Gross | Jul 15, 2010 | Reply
B – Humans are social creatures, and we were made to live in villages and take care of each other. We get very lonely on our own.
Val Mills | Jul 15, 2010 | Reply
I’ve always felt that if I can’t look after myself and become a burden on someone, I wouldn’t want to continue. I enjoy life now with this in mind.
serowa | Jul 15, 2010 | Reply
I think everything starts with the culture of the place. Where I come from, this is not even an issue. Different generations take care of the other. When you are a child you are taken care of. When you are old you are taken care of even if you have your own property. Taking care of an older person does not mean that they are burden some but it is an honorable thing in line with Honoring your parents.
Lately, people from where I come fomr are getting together and taking a delagation to honor their aging parents as a thank you note for all they did for them when they were children. This reduces most parents to tears because at that age they assume no one remembers or cares anymore.
moteintheeye | Jul 16, 2010 | Reply
Be kind to your kids, they choose your nursing home.
CC23 | Jul 16, 2010 | Reply
i speak for Filipino and in our culture, we take care of the elders. that means we prefer to have the elders at home than home for the aged.
PR Mace | Jul 16, 2010 | Reply
My children live in the same town my husband and I do. We are close but I don’t want them to give up their lives to take care of me or my husband. I have to agree with Brenda it is up to me to make sure I can take care of myself. My husband was in the Navy so we were never around family but we stayed close. I see you only state Americans in your article. I have to wonder if Canadians all live close to their families and don’t have jobs that require time away from family? I am sure families all over the world have groups that pull away from family and other that care deeply for their families and live in close family units. We do have that here in the United States. We don’t all throw our elder family away. My husband and I offered to care for my mother in our home but she didn’t want to travel with us. I have a friend next door and her daughter has moved in with her to help her father care for her wheelchair bound mother. Please don’t put everyone in one group.
Karen Gross | Jul 17, 2010 | Reply
My articles are about trends that I observe, in general. Of course there are exceptions – sorry I didn’t list that disclaimer in this article.Canadians tend to follow the same trends as the US. In general, fewer families care for their elderly parents at home. Also in general, Canadians and Americans of the baby boomer generation are of the opinion that they don’t want to burden their children with their care.I don’t mean we are throwing our elders away, just sending them to nursing homes. Even in Canada, we don’t set our elders on ice floes anymore (I hope that they never did, but native legends say they did).
If you notice in the comments, Christine from the UK, B Nelson from Canada, Val from New Zealand, and PR Mace from the US all mention not wanting to burden their children with their care. Wanjiku from Kenya, and Hushi22 from the Phillipeans mention taking care of their elders at home. So we do seem to be following the trend that I have generalized.
Amanda Joy | Jul 17, 2010 | Reply
I have worked as a nursing assistant for the past decade. It is true that most of the residents do not want to burden their children, but they also miss their families and wish they’d visit more.
Regina Castle | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
Great article Karen. My grandmother is 77 years old and still works and stays motivated and she is very healthy for her age. She had and has a very busy work schedule and tried to take care of her own mother while she worked and struggled with this. After my great grandmother died she told all her kids and grandchildren that when she got to the point where she could not take care of her self, to just put her in a nursing home because she did not want to be a burden on our lives and take away from the happiness she felt we deserved.
However as long as I am able I will always try to take care of my family that needs me.
Goodselfme | Jul 30, 2010 | Reply
Carigng for others has always been a part of my life. I expect to keep on taking care of myself without expectations for others to do that, yet the time will come. Thank you for your directives to give some thought as you shared this with me.
sash123 | Aug 25, 2010 | Reply
I think Americans are a very selfish, materialistic culture , who are always out for themselves! We raise our kids this way and teach them the only way to success is to climb your way to the top of the ladder by whatever means necessary. Leaving anyone who gets in the way behind! There just seems to be somewhing basically wrong with the culture we live in. Everything of value is rooted in our pocketbook and material possessions!