When It Comes to Disciplining Children

John: Before my parents punished me for some wrongdoing, they would put forth real effort to understand my motive and the circumstances involved. I try to imitate their approach when dealing with my daughters. My wife, Alison, comes from a different background. Her mother and father were more impulsive. They seem to have chastised their children without being concerned about the circumstances surrounding an incident. Sometimes I feel that my wife disciplines our children in a similarly harsh manner.

Carol: My father deserted our family when I was just five years old. He showed no interest in my three siblings or me. My mom worked very hard to provide for us, and I shouldered a lot of responsibility in caring for my younger sisters. It was hard to enjoy being a kid when i Had to play the role of parent. To this day, I am more serious than playful. When my own children need discipline, I agonize over their mistakes. I like to know why something happened and what the thought process was. My husband Mark, by contrast, doesn’t stew over matters. he was raised by a loving yet firm father, who loyally cared for his mother. With our girls, my husband is quick to resolve problems. He assesses a situation, deals with it, and then moves on.

As the comments of John and Carol show, your upbringing can exert a profound influence on the way you discipline your own children. When a husband and wife come from different family backgrounds, they are likely to have very different leanings when it comes to raining children. At times, these differences cause tension in a marriage.

Tension can be exacerbated by exhaustion. New parents soon learn that disciplining children is a tiring, full-time job. Joan, who with her husband, Darren, has raised two girls, says: “I love my girls, but they seldom wanted to go to bed when I wanted then to. They woke up when it was most inconvenient. They interrupted when I wanted to talk. They left their shoes, clothes and toys out and never put the butter back in the fridge.”

Jack, whose wife suffered from postpartum depression after their second child, says: “I would often come home exhausted from work and be up half the night with our newborn. This made it a challenge to discipline our older daughter consistently. She was jealous at having to share our attention with her little sister.”

When tired parents clash over how to train a child, small disputes might explode into major arguments. Unresolved disagreements can become a wedge that drives a couple apart and provide an opening for a child to play one parent against the other. What bible principles will help a couple maintain a close marital bond while effectively training their children?

Make Time for Your Marriage

Marriage should exist before the children arrive, and it is intended to remain long after they leave home. Regarding the marriage union, the Bible says: “What God has yoked together, lt no man put apart.” (Matthew 19:6) By contrast, this same passage shows that God intended for a child eventually to “leave his father and his mother” (Matthew 19:5) Really, any raising of children is only a phase of a marriage, not the basis of it. Certainly, parents need to invest time in training their children, but they do well to remember that a strong marriage is the best foundation upon which to do so.

What is one way in which a couple can keep their relationship strong during the child-rearing years? If at all possible, regularly set aside some time to spend with their children. Doing so will allow you to discuss important family issues and just to enjoy each other’s company. Admitedly, making time to spend together as a couple is not easy. Alison, the mother referred to earlier, says, “Just when it seems that my husband and i might have a few moments together, our youngest daughter demands attention or our six-year-old experiences some ‘crisis,’ like not being able to find her crayons.”

 Joan and Darren, mentioned earlier, made time for each other by enforcing a set time for their girls to go to bed. “Our girls were always required to be in bed and ready for ‘lights out’ at a fixed time,” says Joan. “That gave Darren and me time to unwind and to talk.”

By establishing a regular bedtime routine for their children, a couple not only buy out some time for themselves but also help a child not to “think more of himself or herself than it is necessary to think.” (Romans 12:3) Eventually, children who are trained to respect bedtime rules realize that they are a vital spoke in the family wheel but are not the hub of it – they must conform to the family routine rather expect the family’s routine to conform to their whims.

Try This

Establish regular bedtime and enforce it consistently. If your child offers a reason why he or she should stay up a little longer, such as wanting a glass of water, you might want to allow one request. But do not let your child postpone bedtime indefinitely with an endless string of requests. If your child pleads to say up an extra five minutes and you want to grant the wish, set an alarm clock to ring in five minutes. When the bell sounds, put the child to bed without further concessions. Let your “yes mean yes, your No, No.” (Matthew 5:37)