Understand the Need to Change Your Child’s Behavior

Two and a half year old Roy was upsetting his father. He was constantly getting into things. He was very demanding with his requests. Furthermore, he refused to listen to his father. Fourteen-year-old Bradford, most time, did what he wanted to do. He hardly ever came when his mother called him. Many times he would come home very late, breaking his curfew. Although, his father would get mad and punish him he was concerned about his son’s behavior. He secretly felt his wife should handle the problem. His wife cried a lot screaming at Bradford, who only shouted back and then shut himself in his room.

Parents want to be good parents. They want to do the right thing with and for their children. Very often when encountered with the examples mention above, they feel they are beginning to have a problem with their children. Many questions come to mind. How can I be both fair and firm? How strict should I be in setting limits of behavior? How can I talk to my spouse about my concerns? How does a single parent deal with family concerns? How do I know if I am a good parent? Not only parents struggle with some behaviors of children, teachers and caregivers do also. At some point they notice that their expectations of children are not met and this can be very disappointing. The normal discipline such as grounding, time-out, taking away privileges simply does not seem to be working. At this point, it is time for a behavior modification program.

To begin with, understanding behavior is the key to discipline. According to Robert E. Valett, Ed.D., Behavior is the result of a person interacting with his environment. When a person moves, responds, performs, or “does something,” he is behaving in a special way. Thus, the environmental conditions in which the child lives greatly affects his or her life. To elaborate, parents must be aware that human behavior in general is a collection of activities performed which is directly and indirectly affected by the culture, attitudes, emotions, values, ethics, authority, and rapport of the place in which a person lives. Consequently, the geographical, physical, and psychological aspects of a child’s home, school, neighborhood, and community have much to do with how a child behaves. Appropriate behavior is that which is successful in solving problems in the person’s environment. Most of man’s behavior is learned. What behavior is learned depends upon how the person interacts with his environment. Behavior can be changed.

Understanding five basic issues that help explain a child’s inappropriate behavior is necessary in order to obtain a more effective positive change in the child’s behavior.

1. Is this a developmental stage?

   Consider the example above. Would you say that Roy and Bradford are naughty and should be spanked? Or, are they demonstrating behaviors typical of their ages? People behave differently during the ages and stages of their lives. During developmental transitions children’s sense of independence emerge. As young children grow, they become more capable of learning behaviors appropriate to the more complex environmental situations or problem. Much of the children’s behavior that upsets parents may be normal for their age and stage of development. Parents, teachers, and caregivers need to have realistic expectations of children’s behavior. It helps greatly if they are extra patient and loving in their responses. It is best to give a child choices, use humor, and be firm but supportive.

2. Is this an individual or temperament difference?

    Not all children of the same age act the same way. Considering the many elements that affects or influences a child’s behavior, this is not surprising. Temperament qualities such as shyness, ability to adapt, moodiness, etc., must me recognized. When adults learn more about their own temperament traits, they are better able to recognize whether the inappropriate behavior is hereditary or environmental. Thus, they will approach the problem accordingly. That is, seeking medical attention to biological problems, i.e. speech disorders, or behavior modification for temperamental problems.

3. Is the environment causing the problem?

   Sometimes the setting or atmosphere, or physical structure causes inappropriate behavior. For example, an overcrowded setting or lack there of may cause increase aggression or ignite jealousy. Look around the home or program setting and evaluate it in light of the child’s behavior. That is, to see the environment from the point of view of the child. In such case, simply modify the environment. Create a safe and healthy environment that would positively affect the child’s behavior.

4. A child does not know something but is ready to learn.

   Children behave in different ways according to the opportunity provided for learning and how they have been taught. For example, playing games, doing physical tasks or exercise, following complex directions, using language, playing musical instruments, applying math skills, and getting along with others are just a few of the many behaviors children are taught. Behaviors vary according to the limitations of the child. When a child is faced with a situation for the first time, this may be considered a limitation. He or she is willing to learn how to solve the novelty of the problem. For instance, an only child would not truly understand the concept of sharing when asked to share a toy, or work in a group. The parent and teacher would then be required to teach and explain the value of sharing. Patience and repeating the message over and over again are necessary. Children rarely learn to master a desired response on the first try.

5. Unmet emotional needs.

   Emotional needs that are not met are the most difficult behavior to interpret. The child’s behavior is driven by something not easily detected and occurs regularly and frequently regardless of the issues mentioned above. In a less serious situation, the child in need of extra love and attention would be given validation and acknowledgment of his person. Continuous encouragement and recognition with praise of him or her exhibiting empathetic behavior towards others are needed. In a more serious situation, a child who exhibits behaviors of harm to him/herself or others may need professional intervention.

These five basic issues give understanding into behavior modification.

Modification programs assist parents in educating their children on what behaviors are acceptable and which behaviors are not. A good behavior modification program measures its success in the positive change in the child’s behavior. The transitional stage of a teenager is most challenging for the parents. The child is faced with more complex problems in which they are expected to adapt to the demands made on them. Parents may most time feel helpless in trying to guide the child into becoming a responsible mature adult. At this stage behaviors are learned from friends and the culture in which the child lives. Peer pressure and other outside influences may confuse parents trying to understand their child’s thoughts, feelings and his or her needs. It is helpful for parents to participate in a parent-counseling program in conjunction with the child’s behavior modification program. The following is a survey developed by Baumrind (1971). Baumrind has established three primary parenting styles, Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative. The modified (’mother’ is replace with “parents” 30-item questionnaire is intended to investigate a relationship between parental style and perceived motivational climate of parents. Specifically, if the authoritative parental style is more conducive to a perceived learning enjoyment climate initiated by the parents in the learning and performance skills (behaviors). Parents can give this questionnaire to their teenage child in order to get an understanding of the thought, feelings, and needs of their child. It would give insight into understand themselves and how their child perceives them. Thereby, making the necessary changes as a family in behaviors that would help the teenager emerge into adulthood with a strong and confident sense of independence.

Parental Authority Questionnaire for the Mother’s and Father’s Parenting Style

Instructions: For each of the following statements, circle the number on the 5-point scale. 1=strongly disagree to 5=strongly agree. Circle the number that best describes how that statement applies to you and your parents during your years of growing up at home. There is no right or wrong answers, so don’t spend a lot of time on any one item. We are looking for an overall impression regarding each statement. Be sure to omit any items

• While I was growing up my parents felt that in a well run home the children should have their way in the family as often as parents do
  1 2 3 4 5
• Even if the children didn’t agree with the parents, they felt that it was for our own good if we were forced to conform to what they thought was right
  1 2 3 4 5
• Whenever my parents told me to do something as I was growing up, they expected me to do it immediately without asking any questions
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up, once family policy had been established, my parents discussed the reasoning behind the policy with the children in the family
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents have always encouraged verbal give-and-take whenever I have felt that family rules and restrictions were unreasonable
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents always felt that what children need is to be free to make up their own minds and to do what they want to do, even if it does not agree with what the parents might want
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents did not allow me to question any decisions they had made
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents directed the activities and decisions of the children in the family through reasoning and discipline
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents have always felt that more force should be used by parents in order to get their children to behave the way they are supposed to
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents felt that I needed to obey rules and regulations of behavior simply because someone in authority had established them
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up I knew what my parents expected of me in my family, but I also felt free to discuss those expectations with my parents when I felt that they were unreasonable
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents felt that wise parents should teach their children early just who is boss in the family
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up, my parents seldom gave me expectations and guidelines for my behavior
  1 2 3 4 5
• Most of the time as I was growing up my parents did what the children in the family wanted when making family decisions
  1 2 3 4 5
• As the children in my family were growing up, my mother constantly gave us direction and guidance in rational and objective ways
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents would get very upset if I tried to disagree with them
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents feel that most problems in society would be solved if parents would not restrict their children’s activities, decisions, and desires as they are growing up
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents let me know what behaviors they expected of me, and if I didn’t meet those expectations they punished me
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents allowed me to decide most things for myself without a lot of direction from them
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents took the children’s opinions into consideration when making family decisions, but they would not decide for something simply because the children wanted it
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents did not view themselves as responsible for directing and guiding my behavior as I was growing up
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents had clear standards of behavior for the children in our homes as I was growing up, but they were willing to adjust those standards to the needs of each individual child in the family
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents gave me direction for my behavior and activities as I was growing up and they expected me to follow their direction, but they were willing to listen to my concerns and to discuss the direction with me
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents allowed me to form my own point of view on family matters and they generally allowed me to decide for myself what I was going to do
  1 2 3 4 5
• My parents have always felt that most problems in society would be solved if we could get parents to strictly and forcibly deal with their children when they don’t do what they are supposed to as they are growing up
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents often told me exactly what she wanted me to do and how they expected me to do it
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents gave me clear directions for my behavior and activities, but they also understood when I disagreed with them
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up my parents did not direct the behaviors, activities, and desires of the children in my family
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up I knew what my parents expected of me in the family and they insisted that I conform to those expectations simply out of respect for their authority
  1 2 3 4 5
• As I was growing up, if my parents made a decision in the family that hurt me, they were willing to discuss that decision with me and to admit it if they had made a mistake
  1 2 3 4 5

Upon viewing the results of this questionnaire completed by their child, parents should get an insight into behaviors in need of modification. Behavior modification, techniques used in altering an individual’s behavior, is wide and varied. Whatever methodology applied or approach taken, it cannot be effective unless the behaviors to be changed are identified. Once this is done an intervention should target them in order to increase or decrease the targeted behavior(s). Most parents want to do everything they can to help their children live happy and fruitful lives. Unfortunately there is no magical formula in accomplishing this. However, the material presented here is given with an underlying primary assumption that all parents can bring about significant change in their children’s behavior if they desire to do so and act accordingly.