Traditional and Modern Approaches to Parenting

When we first embark on the unique journey that is ‘parenthood’ we often have a pre-determined idea in our minds as to how we are going to function, and live life as parents.

By that, I mean you and your partner will probably have decided about who will be responsible for what, and how the role of parent will be shared.

To some degree we look at our parents and peers for examples of good and bad parenting, and if we believe that we have had a happy and well rounded upbringing then the ‘mother knows best’ theory is probably correct and we should aim to adopt a similar approach with our own children.

The ‘traditional’ approach to parenting is very much along the lines of mother staying at home after the birth of the baby, and staying off of work for a nominated length of time, and returning to work at some stage, probably part time.
For some lucky mum’s they may be able to afford not to return to work, and may be very accepting of that fact, which is their own personal choice of course.
Following the ‘traditional’ approach is still viewed as the ‘preferred’ approach as far as British society is concerned.

Those who wish to be somewhat controversial, even in the 21st Century, may choose to go with the more ‘modern’ approach.
This usually entails both parents returning to work full time, quite soon after the baby is born, employing some form of childcare to be responsible for your child whilst you are both at work.
And the second approach to this is where the mother returns to work, and acts as primary wage earner, and the father stays at home to look after the child.

In some Scandinavian countries, the role of father being primary carer is very much encouraged. The benefit system allows either parent to remain off of work for the time immediately after the child is born.
This allows for the fact that if the mother is the higher wage earner, she can return to work, without forfeiting the ‘maternity’ rights, these are simply transferred to ‘paternity’ rights instead.

Sounds like a great idea doesn’t it? So why doesn’t Britain follow suit?

What’s best for the child?

Only you as parents will know what is best for your child. Parenting can be shared equally, even if only one parent goes out to work, it just needs to be thought out strategically, that’s all.

I am only too pleased to hand over my baby to my partner when he comes in from work.
Although there is a perception that the woman on maternity leave is having ‘a ball’, believe me, this is very much not the case.

For me in particular, having a chronically sick baby, means that I have a struggle throughout the day to get anything else done, that doesn’t center around the baby.

The minute my partner steps through the door, he is only to pleased to spend some quality time with our son’s, and so it is natural in our case that he takes over from me.

This doesn’t of course get me off the hook. I then embark on the ‘Groundhog Day’ tasks such as making packed lunches, mixing the baby feeds, and preparing the evening meal.
If you look at it that way, playing on the floor with a baby seems far more enjoyable!

The day’s of having ‘me time’ really are in the distant past. Having said that, I am planning to return to work when my baby is 8 months old, and I may possibly be able to regain some of my life back.

It’s a terrible thing to say really, but I am looking forward to progressing with our modern parenting plan, and returning to work to engage in some ‘grown up’ conversation for a change.

For those who choose the traditional approach, I imagine there will always be a degree of segregation amongst the parenting roles.
Mum’s often take ‘ownership’ of that very role, and even when the dad returns home from work, the mum will continue to be the martyr and try to cook dinner, bath the baby, and everything else required of her.

The roles don’t ever seem to merge, even at weekends.

For those taking the modern approach, there will be far more unity and consistency in parenting style. When both parents arrive home after a day at work, they will indulge in spending joint quality time with the baby, thus creating a closer family unit.

For parents that both work, the weekends are far more precious. Families tend to do more at weekends, to compensate for their busy lives during the week.

Before my second child came on the scene, my eldest son would very much look forward to the weekend, as he knew it was time for his parents to really let their hair down after a busy week at work, and we would do all sorts of fun activities together.
I believe this is how it should be, and most certainly generates a close family unit.

How do you decide on an approach?

Don’t take my word for it, spend the months leading up to the birth of your child deliberating and looking at all perspectives.
What may be perfect for one couple, may indeed be absolute hell for another, this really is a very personal and individual decision to make.

I have changed my mind so many times, I wake up some days riddled with guilt about the thought of leaving my baby, and other days I wake up and wish I was going back to work there and then.

It is O.K to change your mind. But one thing you must ensure, is that both partners within the relationship are in full agreement. If there is any doubt in either persons mind, then this can lead to a conflict of interests later down the line.

Work out financially what is practical, first and foremost. You may be eligible for some form of ‘Tax Credit, or other benefit, if this is the case it may benefit you to return to work, as in some circumstances the Inland Revenue pay more to parents who work.

What’s out there in terms of local childcare?

I scoured the internet and local newspapers looking for what types of childcare were available local to us.
Cost was an important element to our final decision, but when we walked into the nursery where our son will be going, we just knew it was the right choice.

You must feel totally comfortable with your decision or you will spend your entire day at work torturing yourself over the welfare of your child.

Ensure you check out the credentials of the childcare provider. Ask for references, and follow them up.

If the childcare provider is a ‘registered’ concern, then you will be able to claim a form of Tax Credit based on the fact that you work, and are paying a registered child carer.

Choices for the ‘stay at home mum’

Your Health Visitor will no doubt be your best source of information.

Make sure you don’t isolate yourself from the outside world. If you have access to parenting groups or similar, then give it a try.
It may not be entirely for you, and in my case it very much wasn’t.

Instead some women are lucky enough to stay in contact with women from the ante-natal group.
In my case I met a couple of ladies whilst in hospital and we keep in touch regularly which is great as the babies are all a similar age.

If you choose to stay at home, ensure you make time for yourself. Accept offers of help from friends and family. If you don’t you may be in danger of creating a resentment towards your child for robbing you of your freedom.