Three Tips for Stepparents

Your stepchild is an extension of your wife.

You must realize that when you took your marriage vows, you were taking them with your wife AND her son. Your wife will be watching you to see how you treat YOUR stepson. She will be looking to see if you spend time with, love him, care for him, acknowledge him, etc. As impossible a task as it might seem, your wife is expecting you to be an instant, perfect father. The problem is that she will never tell you when you are failing unless she reaches her breaking point with you.

When she sees that you are ignoring HER son or not loving HER son, she translates this into your ignoring her or not loving her. This is unfair, but it is what happens.

If you are going to take on the responsibility of a ready-made family, you should seek counseling as a way of preparing for this problem and other problems that can arise.

You are going to bond differently to your stepchild than your wife has bonded to her child.

The easiest way to explain this is by using the following example. You will bond much differently to a newborn baby girl of whom you are the biological father than you will to a five year old boy of whom you are the stepfather. There is no way around this unless you are there for the mother and her son from the moment he was born, but this essentially offers you the opportunity of bonding with a newborn baby anyway.

You must realize that you still love both children, but you love them differently. You will tend to favor your own child over the other, but you can teach yourself to overcome this. Chances are that your wife will pick up on your favoring one over the other because it will not be very subtle on your part; and, quite honestly, your wife will also be able to pick up on your subtle favoritism as well. Your favoring your child over your stepchild will anger your wife.

You must realize what your doing and how to avoid it, but you must also realize that what is happening is natural and any feelings of guilt should be processed for what they are – a warning signal for you to adjust your behavior. Your wife must also realize that you are not intentionally trying to hurt her or her son.

If you are fortunate enough, counseling can help, but your wife and you must be mature enough and committed enough to work through it.

Where is the child’s father?

If your stepson’s biological father wants to be a part of his son’s life, you should not interfere with this. You will only look like a jerk to your wife and to your stepson.

Even worse is a father who wants nothing to do with your stepson. This situation causes you anxiety because you will never know if your stepson’s father will make his presence known. Being that some men have no concerns but for themselves, it is possible that the errant father will turn up at the least convenient moment for you for the sole purpose of causing trouble. This goes without saying that adoption is out of the question until the father has signed away his parental rights.

My stepson’s father denied paternity. My wife never adequately addressed this issue and I was always under the impression that she never listed my stepson’s biological father on the boy’s birth certificate. My wife also never wanted to upset her son by having his biological father be a part of his life.

I never committed to adoption because I was not sure about my stepson’s father’s rights.

Issues regarding the other parent MUST be resolved.