The Successful Marriage Handbook

PREFACE

From the beginning of time man and women have been different.

It was Eve who was curious, imaginative, exciting and daring while Adam remained loyal, steadfast and some would say dull. The roles that developed, because of their environment, as aggressive defenders of their family, hunter gatherers, providers and the bearing and nurturers of children only brought about additional traits to their personalities and built up and reinforced these differences.

Some men, who look only upon the physical, say, “long live the difference.” Most men try to understand these diversities in their beautiful companion but are confused by their thought processes, their expectations of their mate as a mind reader, the confusing manner in which they act towards them, and certain aspects of their environment. Because of this and because most men need to pigeon hole everyone and everything so they can identify everything quickly and clearly, they react and treat them either as fools or some mysterious, weird and sometimes inferior, species they need to tread carefully around.

This has developed a complex in many women to the extent they consider, with some justification, that some men look upon and treat them as second class persons or as sex objects.

Generally speaking, throughout all history it has been the nature of most humans, if they were comfortable with it, to act out or live the roles they have been assigned by their peers or family. In the past, where sensitivity has been, mostly because of circumstance, non-existent or denied so as to make life as secure as possible, mothers accepted and taught this way of life to their children.

As civilization progressed and as many women gained confidence and freedoms, they have asserted themselves to the extent that many pushed the envelope to the other extreme. They wish to be recognised and treated like men.

They have tried to become and act so much like man, to the degree that many men do not know what role they are supposed to act out. Even some women are confused and they shift from one role to the other, as they consider the situation warrants, only adding to the confusion of the steadfast man.

Hey! I’m not saying it is the woman’s fault entirely! Men must share the blame, if any is to be given. Just as many men court Rachel but wake up married to Lea, many women believe they were courted by David and ended up married to that selfish and egotistical Samson. No one is perfect.

I personally, do not think any blame can be given. I believe this is just the cut and thrust of our changing civilization, attempting to establish harmony, as it moves further and further away from what it was originally planned to become.

Marriage, in the past, had always appeared to be the safe harbour in which to raise children and fulfil every basic need for the development of every member of that family. At the time of writing, the basic unit of all civilization and even many of the larger animals, is still the family of a mother and father and children. Today, with disrespect towards this basic unit shown by many governments through supporting and sustaining homosexual and defacto relationships, child care centres, paid maternity leave and not making a firm stand on many other community moral issues of abortion, children’s rights etc., marriage as an institution of importance, between a man and a woman, is only being given token service. Acts, laws and bills are passed most of which have taken away from the parents their authority and tend to fragment the family unit to the extent that it has not been able to live up to its real purpose and its accomplishments of the past. It has been said that governments are a reflection of the community attitudes. I believe the jury is still out on that statement.

There seems to have developed an ethos among governments and the powers that be, that all the proven institutions that have been shown to be the backbone of our civilization thus far have to be ‘improved’ by change. Marriage, Religion, morality, financial management and many other standards of the past have to be changed to suit, so called modern times. ‘Everyone’ seems to be saying families are not as strong or as united today; I wonder why?

We today, and other past societies, never seem to learn from the experiences recorded in history.

If we study every past civilization, most of which have disappeared, where records have been uncovered, it is easy to discover that the fall of that society was because unrighteous leaders or the powers that be, had influence in controlling or governing sections of that society. They allowed the moral standards of all the basic institutions that cemented that civilization into a strong force, to be lowered or become non-existent and finally those civilisations collapsed.

This handbook is an attempt to strengthen that most endangered section of our present society, the foundation of the family, the parents.

Throughout history, the family has been the basic unit of civilization and where inroads were made into united families, that society was weakened to the extent that their civilization imploded or was destroyed by outside forces. I am not saying there are no families that are not coping but I am saying that today the family is under attack and desperately needs help in again becoming independent of government etc,.

United and strong families can be developed but only by parents who are happy and secure in themselves.

“Life was not meant to be easy,” was a well used saying to justify certain situations in the past. Never the less it is a truism. Where governments have implemented a dole system that catered to almost all of the needs of the individual to the extent that they did not have to work for their daily bread, or if they did become employed they were, in most cases, better off, the people became a lax and a dependent society without vigour or ambition.

I am not advocating that we do away with the dole system because there is a section of our society who have great difficulty in caring for themselves, many through no fault of their own, and we should feel obligated, as a society, to care for them. But when the dole and its benefits, pays many families more than what many are paid by employers, then the family and therefore the nation is in trouble.

But these are forces outside the family. The real strength comes from within the unit. That only happens when the parents are happy and feel fulfilled and the children feel loved and are cared for, in a manner that develops their self esteem.

I know that many will say that happiness is our own personal responsibility and that we can change our moods by changing our thoughts and that is true. But quite a large number of individuals have the perception that it is the responsibility of their spouse to make them happy. It is difficult to change this perception because so few see or experience those fruits of a vital harmonious marriage that add so much to our personal happiness and self esteem. But, this happiness has to be earned through hard and diligent effort.

Good, wonderful, vibrant marriages do not just happen. Some people say their marriage was made in heaven. I can not argue against that but I know, if you are in that fortunate situation you were prepared for it by your nature or character, the character and nature of your chosen companion, the way you lived your single life and the basic choices you have made and, to some degree, by your parents example.

We are the only person who can make our marriage a happy successful one. We are the only person who can make the sacrifices necessary to bring that about. We should not; we can not rely on the other person to make us happy.

If we think a happy successful marriage is a fifty, fifty or even a sixty forty effort, we are doomed for disappointment much of the time. We will only have a chance of achieving our dreams if both of us put forth a continuous on-going one hundred percent effort each.

I know you will become happy if you study this book and put whatever effort is necessary into learning about and implementing what makes a successful and happy marriage in our situation. Go for it!

INTRODUCTION

Into some of the ways of a successful marriage.

So you are planning to marry. As we enter the twenty -first century, there are many who do not take on that responsibility or commitment. Most, who enter this covenant, do not fully understand what that responsibility entails. The odds that you will make your marriage a success are still in your favour, and those odds will improve if you are prepared to sacrifice, over come your selfishness, apply whatever is necessary for success and never leave anything to chance. Statistics show that if you both are truly worthy to earn a Temple marriage, and continually live so as to continue to serve in the temple, then you increase your chances for an enduring marriage. Notice I said, an enduring marriage. Being married in the Temple may not increase your chances for a happy and successful marriage. You are the only person who can make that happen.

This handbook is an attempt to give you enough information so you can take much of the element of chance out of the equation.

This book does not contain all the answers to a happy and successful marriage. That book could never be written for there are many individuals who have little understanding of their own body and how it functions, their personality, and there are not any two relationships that are the same? Everyone is a unique individual with a kaleidoscope of personality traits and there has not, to my knowledge, been a book written specifically about you and your marriage. You must write that yourself as you work at it.

Living life is a random activity. There are many things over which we have little control. Who are we going to meet on the bus as we go to work? Who will we meet at the local dance or at any social event we attend? How will they act on meeting us? We think we have collared Mister or Miss right and along comes another beautiful person who makes our knees turn to jelly.

We can learn to have control over ourselves in many areas, if we have the self-discipline to work at it. We can have a limited amount of control over the types of people we meet by only going to activities where there are people who have similar personal standards and beliefs that we have.

There are certain natural fixed laws and principles that apply to our behaviour and attitudes that we need to understand, to help us relate to and be interesting or appealing to the person or people whom we wish to attract. Most of them do not apply to powder and paint or the clothing we wear, though clothing and paint and the way we display or treat our body does give others an insight into the type of attitude, respect and inner feelings we have about ourself.

What we all have is what I call, a core set of personal standard or values upon which, all our decisions and actions are based. These can appear to be too high in the eyes of some people or they could be too low for others.

The down and out, the street kids, the homeless and others through to the strictest religionist; all have a fundamental set of values as varied as the individual and those differing situations suggest.

Though some seem to have little control over their lives, their core set of values or personal standard is the basis upon which most of them act and make their personal decisions, except in circumstances where they are prisoners of one or more of the various forms of addiction.

If we have some control over our lives and if we have a firm core set of standards or values, most of us will have already, subconsciously, made decisions on how we will act in the many circumstances in which we can envision ourselves becoming involved. We can not help but act in that manner.

We will not be caught out to the extent that others will totally control us or make us do anything unless we choose to allow that to happen.

Many do envision some things and have considered, in their mind, some action or procedures on how they will act so as to, gain the most benefit for themself if that thing happens to them.

A classic example is the story told of a truck driver who had pictured, in his mind, what he would do if he was caught driving during an earthquake and the road opened before him. Then, many years later when that really did happen, he acted automatically exactly as he pictured. I do not know if it was as a result of his previous thoughts but he is saying that he survived the experience because of his previous thoughts on that circumstance.

Be that as it may, understanding why particular things happen and why people act in a certain manner can help us cope with the situation. We can have control over ourselves in many areas and not react towards other people, if we have the self-discipline to work at it and we adhere to our standards.

When we marry, we share that control for most of our life with the person we have chosen to wed. That can be scary if we have not known that person very long.

The following chapters will help you work through some of those fears and help you find the joy and happiness that can be yours.

I personally believe that happiness is a state of mind and if we hold happy, positive thoughts in our mind we can be happy in all but extreme circumstances, if we are healthy and strong enough. Consider the happy people who unavoidably live in dirty, slum like circumstances.

It will take many character traits, many of which both or either of you may not have yet developed, to be a successful marriage companion. Yet, if you both have patience, unselfishness, faith and trust, you will make your new relationship work.

You thought I was going to include love, didn’t you? That may come, but it will take these attributes, and more, to help it develop.

Surprised? There is a vast difference between, what is called ‘being in love’ and loving someone, but we will discuss that later.

I am not intending to give you a list of buttons to push or levers to pull to make your union a success. No one can do that successfully though many have tried.

I will give you some brief information about many important areas. You can accept or reject what you will, you can experiment with this information or if you wish to know more you can go to your local library and read up further on areas you feel are important to you. The information is there for anyone to study, analyse and apply.

I know I can not put old heads on young shoulders but I will give you some information, which you may want to think about during your engagement and apply in your married life. “Life was not meant to be easy, just worth every second.” I believe in the old saying, ‘ I wouldn’t be dead for quids.’

I can not talk about either of you specifically. I can talk about people generally and this information comes from counselling people, past surveys, personal experience, and studying people and their circumstance.

I have been interested in, for most of my life, what motivates people to do what they do and I some instances, how and why they do it.

Somewhere in the distant past, I read or someone said, that when they referred to a situation, experience or circumstance from history, they called the clients, Ralph and Gertrude. Ever since then, in my mind, these two names seem to go together so I will also use them.

I think the first thing of which we should be aware is that when we are discussing people generally or as a group, we can not lump them together and say this is what they do or how they will act. There are always exceptions on both extremes of any trait or quality. I think this is best described by a graph.

For my purpose, AD represents the total group, which could depict the entire population of men and women or only females or only men.

The space BC will either shrink or expand or move closer to A or D, depending upon the concentration of so called ‘average’ people with the trait we are analysing within the group, AD. The space BC represent the average numbers; the spaces AB and CD represent the exceptions or extremes; AB, being greater than the average and CD being less than the average.

For example, if we were discussing, in theory, the number of people who do exhibit anger during their engagement as compared to the number who do after marriage, the graphs could appear similar to this.

The before marriage graph shows that the group who control their anger, CD, is much greater than those who would show anger, BC.

The very small portion AB, are those who would loose their temper completely during the engagement period.

The after marriage graph shows that the people who would loose their temper completely, AB, is much larger but smaller than those who would express or show their anger, BC. While the portion that would still control or hide their anger, CD, is smaller. Do you understand how a graph represents the group?

I hope so because I will be reminding you of it many times.

COURTING & ENGAGEMENT

Do you understand why the tradition of an engagement period has continued through the ages? It is a continuation of the old idea of posting the banns in the church and where the couple were considered as being married in everything except living together with conjugal rights. It probably goes further back than that. Most of the real purpose of this is lost to antiquity where parents chose your spouse for you, sometimes when you both were very small children. Over the generations this has changed as our community and our cultures modernised and we became free to choose our own spouse.

It became generally, a notification that both of you were out of circulation and you both had intentions of making a permanent commitment. In some communities it is still a so serious an intention that if the engagement was called off by one of the participants, a court case often resulted suing for large sums of money. Today, this period though still changing holds to some of the old ideas.

Much of the media would have you believe that it is a time for learning about and understanding your sexual compatibility with the person you have chosen. The law of chastity covers all age groups in all circumstances. If you wish the blessings of God upon your marriage, please ignore this teaching of the media and many so-called friends and remain chaste.

I would have you consider, particularly because of our mobility and some time our need to travel because of employment and other considerations, it as a time of seeking to know the person to whom you are going to commit yourself that you may not be able to discover by a casual association before engagement.

Seeking to understand some very important personality traits you should individually consider about the other person and matters you should privately discuss together. Most of these things are very sensitive, confidential, and extremely private and should never be discussed with family or friends. The ability to keep confidences is a sure sign of maturity.

If you require assistance or counsel, contact your Priesthood Leader. There are also many independent organisations in the community who will be only too happy to be of service free of charge. The reason for sometimes going outside the family for counsel is because if you marry, then your extended family are not aware of any confidential and personal matters that they do not need to know. Even in the most intimate family, there are some matters that must be kept within the new relationship. Also, if the engagement does not endure to marriage, and it is called off, then others are not aware of those close personal problems that prevented the progression.

The excitedly showing off, of the engagement ring is, generally speaking, more important to the self-esteem of the woman than the man. (Remember the graph, there are always exceptions) One rare exception could be if he wishes to boast and he bought a very expensive ring.

It emphasises that you are now a couple. But it is not a binding covenant or contract though many women may consider it so and in some cultures, particularly where the woman was marrying up a class or two, it still could be. Today this expectation can be the result of the deep psychological commitment that many women make from the moment they answer Ralph’s great and important question with a yes. We will try to explain this commitment in other chapters later.

What it designates is that you have become a couple and declaring that at this time you become unavailable to anyone else. The period of engagement is the time the couple should seriously consider all aspects of their choice and decisions and think about backing off if you find something the other person is not prepared to modify and/or you are not prepared to accept or live with.

Will he be a good father? Is he an active Priesthood bearer? Will she be a good mother and homemaker?

These seem to be old fashioned questions but even in the so called modern culture of today, most of the ideas of the internal beauty, spiritually and aesthetically of the home, is organised and implemented by the woman and accepted by the man after he has some input.

Is this really the person to whom you wish to commit everything you have or are? Is this the person you want to provide for and care for your children?

I can not stress enough how important this time is for the woman. Men very rarely understand what is involved when a woman takes upon herself his name. There are changes happening every generation. But because some attitudes have not kept up I will explain the basics and let you discover the changes, some with which, you may or may not agree.

When Gertrude takes upon herself Ralph’s name through marriage, she is in effect saying that she is willing to cut herself off from her family and submitting to the care, culture and way of life of her husband’s heritage. This is what happens when she becomes sealed to her husband.

If she and the family they have get into difficulty, it is Ralph’s family who has the opportunity to assist. If she is widowed, it is his family who, in the past, would have cared for her because all her children have his family name. This is loosing its importance in many cultures today, particularly where Governments have a dole system.

This can be a very traumatic decision for some women. There are some minor changes for Ralph, some freedoms he is required to give up. Most Gertrude’s are coming from a secure family or an enjoyable single experience. She is giving up much, much more. Taking upon herself his name is stepping off into the relative unknown. Leaving all her security behind and taking a calculated chance on an unknown future. It takes a lot of faith. The man has to realise this and live up to it.

With the failure rate being so high, I can only admire the woman who takes on the challenges of married life, yet they do.

Anything less than marriage is not a total commitment to the union, for they are leaving the back door open, so the weakest can run away as soon as any difficulties arise, leaving a traumatic mess for the community to attempt to fix and then carry. It is generally the mother who is burdened with the responsibility of sharing the load with the community, though some fathers would wish it otherwise.

In this day of resources and freedom to travel vast distances it can be difficult to know where the other person is coming from as to family experience, but you should seek as much information about your chosen one as possible.

It does not always necessarily follow that if they come from a messy home that they will be messy in the home you are going to make but it can be a good indication. Likewise, it does not mean that because they are an RM that they will be tidy either.

If you like tidiness and things being in their proper place, then it is something, which should be taken into consideration because it can be the cause of much aggravation after the honeymoon, having to pick up after him. I know of one woman who had her head screwed on correctly. When her new husband dropped his clothes in a heap on the floor, expecting her to pick them up and put them away, she left them there until he ran out of clean clothes to wear and then she taught him what she expected in tidiness in their home. She would not wash anything that was not in her designated place. He soon learnt.

A wise man once said, “During courtship one must keep ones eyes wide open and after marriage keep them half closed.”

If he, or she, comes from a home where there are signs of addiction, in any of its forms, (alcohol, drugs, a history of philandering, abuse etc.) And he has a tendency towards these things, if she comes from a home where the mother is a clinging vine type, wanting to selfishly hanging on to her children and not wanting them to become free of her influence, , then ponder these things intensely before you make any deep commitments.

It has been my experience that many men marry women similar to their mothers, and women marry men similar to their fathers. Remember the graph. After many years of marriage, Ralph and Gertrude will often begin to look alike as well.

This being so and because there are as many personal aversions as there are individuals, consideration must be given to, personal and family hygiene standards, the quality or level of language used in the family (foul, corse, filthy or supportive and uplifting) and the handling of money; how does each family member express their frustration and disappointments.

The rosy glow of romance wears very thin after some time of being treated regularly in one or more of the above mentioned ways.

Does he/she display respect to you in the way he/she speaks to you and about you to others? Is he/she considerate of you at all times? Does he/she put you down often or does he/she make you feel good by what they say about you in public and to you in private? Religion can be a very important stumbling block if one of you is committed in that area and the other is not or faithfully belongs to a different belief. Will the other person be supportive of you in this area or will they be a hindrance to your participation? What religion will your children be taught?

While on this subject; some couples decide that they will wait until the child is old enough, whatever that age is, and let them choose for themselves what religion they wish to support. I believe that before anyone, child or adult, can make a meaningful, honest choice, they must be well informed on all areas covered by that choice. If a child does not receive any religious education in both or either of the parent’s faith they will subtly receive instruction in opposition to any religion. When that happens, how then can they make that informative decision?

If there are any areas you are not happy with, now is the time to try to teach the other person how you expect to be treated. Remember, you are an important person and your principles have to be taken into consideration. Your core standards are important.

If there is only one principle you learn from this section, always remember this; You will never be able to change another person permanently. You can only change yourself. Through good communication you can ask the other to consider changing, and they may change to get what they want, but you will very rarely be able to change them permanently, unless they become totally committed to that change, which is extremely rare.

If you want to be respected then show respect to others at all times. If you want to be loved then be lovable. In associations with other people, the way we are treated by them is generally, remember the graph, a reflection of how they perceive we are treating them.

If we wish others to change, we need to look at how we relate to them and remember we may only bring about permanent change by changing ourselves. They must decide to change themselves.

Never the less, be honest, tell them how you wish to be treated if there is a problem for you. If they can not accept this then a decision has to be made by you. If it is not sorted out now, it will only get worse afterwards. For your future happiness, do not ignore the problems now, rationalizing that the person will change later.

If you believe that they will change after marriage, you are living in a fool’s paradise, experience is against you. Generally, remember the graph, humans are a bunch of escapists who live in denial mode but we must stand up for ourself and face the tough decisions now or suffer the risk of living in a difficult burdensome marriage.

Communicate your expectations, let them know or help them understand your standards and personal values. If you do not like some behaviour or how they treat you, then decide whether to use your voice or feet, but use one of them!

Mannerisms and speech is a learned process and is taught by our environment, our family and those with whom we regularly associate. It is also a result of how we have learnt to express ourselves to protect or build our self-esteem within the environment we live.

If he/she is, from your perspective, lacking in any area before marriage, it will probably get worse after.

Yet, if we expect ‘perfection’ in others, whatever that means to you, then we need to be ‘perfect’ ourselves.

If you feel you are being abused in some manner now, you are! Get out of the relationship as quick as you can, NOW.

If they do not accept your prompting and change now, you will be the one who will have to lower your standards afterwards and learn to be happy with that.

Never fall into the trap of thinking he or she will change after marriage. History is against you. It can happen but very rarely does; Remember the graph.

Does this seem too strict for you? I say these things because you would be let down if it is left unsaid. It is often the small insignificant hurtful habits and irritations that are glossed over at this time, which come back and trouble you after the emotional glow, your hormonal drive, has lessened.

These small character weaknesses can become hurtful and develop into major problems later in the marriage. Feelings of doubt can begin to undermine your confidence in building a successful marriage.

Because most young people (remember the graph) are driven by their hormones as they prepare for marriage, these things are seldom considered. If you wish to give your future family the best possible foundation, then consider these realities well, before making the total commitment.

It has been said by people in this certain area, that we seriously study the pedigree before we mate our thoroughbreds but we let our kids mate with anyone.

This is the time to plan your married life together. What standard of life can you realistically perceive together? What extra studies should be pursued to feel secure about the future? Who is going to do the studying?

What quality of life do you both eventually wish to live? How much debt you both consider your new family and employment can realistically cope with.

Do you both agree about what is good debt and what is bad debt? Who is the best money manager? How is your new family going to manage its finances and who is going to be responsible for that?

What size family would you both want to have? Are you happy with any changes you have to make, to your dream? Do you accept them? Are you happy with them?

Are the other’s dreams too fantastic to come true? Are they prepared to change?

Now is the time to discuss and agree upon all of these things. Conciliation is easier now than later and often less tearful but emotions, health and circumstance often blows the best plans.

When I was a youth, there was a regular cartoon, which appeared in almost every magazine. It portrayed a prospective groom meeting the girl’s father, being asked if he was able to support the girl in the manner in which she was accustomed.

Today, when young people marry, most go very deep into debt and acquire material possessions far in excess of what she or both are familiar. They are burdened with bad debt from the very beginning.

They do not have time to enjoy one another before they become burdened with the pressure of meeting those commitments. I have not seen that cartoon for years. There must be a message there somewhere.

Yes, the engagement period is a very important time. One does need to be careful but one does not have to be a professional counsellor to discuss these very important things with the other person.

This is the beginning of real communication between you both. This experience will show if your chosen one has the maturity to help you make your union successful.

There are several areas that can be and have been major stumbling block to any marriage. They are money management, communication, sex, raising and disciplining children, immaturity, the menopause and mid-life crises and age but not necessarily in that order.

Except for the last three, the order differs from one couple to another.

We will discuss them later, in the order as stated for no other reason than; we have to have an order.

You think you are both madly in love right now and that is why you want to get married. Now remember the graph, there are always exceptions, are you one of them?

You really are going through a form of unconscious denial that millions before you have discovered, is acceptable to family and friends.

You really desire to be married for two different reasons but when highlighted, most of you will deny it.

This is one of the major problems in almost every marriage. The differences between man and woman and the way they relate to circumstances and communicate.

How you both think and how you both act and how to accept that, is one of the subjects we will discuss within several areas later. I do not think either of you is aware of what is really happening. Much of what we do when we act or react to an emotionally charged situation, as an individual, happens almost automatically; subconsciously, is a better word.

It is as if our automatic pilot takes over and causes us to act or make decisions that we might not have made if we were not so emotionally involved.

Ralph, the truth is that you have chosen Gertrude as your wife because you see in her an opportunity to fulfil your major sexual fantasy, whatever that may be.

Gertrude, you have chosen Ralph because you also see in him a fulfilment of your major fantasy; a potential, most often, to provide you with security and the where-with-all to build a nest or home and father your children.

I know common usage has tainted the word fantasy and given it a bad connotation. I definitely do not use it in the tainted sense. I use it in the sense of imagination or persistent daydream.

Remembering the graph, it does not matter your upbringing, religious convictions or any other special values you live by, your choice of a mate for life, can be pared down to this basic level and those fantasies are not a bad thing because that is natures way of continuing the species by bringing you together to raise a family.

Now that could have been said in more politically correct language but a rose is still a rose by any other name. I want you to understand what I mean.

The male fantasy is as varied and as different as there are individuals but it is sex driven.

Rarely is the female fantasy directly sex driven but it is not unknown. Hers is generally related to the making of a home or nest, with on going security, her idea of love and affection and happy, healthy children. It has sexual connotations but is generally not sex driven like a young man’s. This is commonly subconscious and she has little control in the matter.

The order of importance of these things depends upon her home life, the number of siblings she has and the strength of her desire to succeed in the business world.

Some women with a weakly defined fantasy, in situations where they had opportunities to marry, develop such control and self-discipline that they deny this fantasy and remain spinsters. Some of these people finally give in to family and social pressure and later marry. A great love can develop between the pair, especially if he does not have a strong sexual fantasy. This can happen in males but not as often.

The main area where an married woman gains her self -esteem is in and around the home or nest. I am not saying she can not gain her self-esteem outside the home, remember the graph, but for most women, the nest or the home has the most power in helping her gain that esteem.

This is because this is the area of her fantasy. This fantasy or drive becomes most powerful around her early to mid. Teens and lessens by degrees as she approaches the time when her procreation processes close down.

We will discuss the power of his sexual fantasy when we are discussing differences and sex.

MONEY MANAGEMENT.

This can be one of the major areas of greatest discord now as well as after marriage. It is offered here as one of the three most common causes of marriage breakdowns, which most often leads to divorce.

The skills required in managing your finances cleverly and reasonably are similar whether the conflict is about money, or parenting. The necessary skills in resolving potential conflicts in your marriage may be similar but, money is unique in being able to teach those skills.

In an old survey conducted during the “good times”, perceived financial problems were ranked fifth as the causes of depression in the family. This is why it is so important to agree on the management of financial resources, in principal, before totally committing yourself.

Why is this so? Our society today worships money. Having money is power. It gives some people great self-esteem, and is seen as evidence of intelligence. To say that there is more emotional investment in the making, acquiring and spending of money, than most other things is an understatement. Money is the god of this world today.

Feelings about money and the control of it are very powerful. Most people, remember the graph, would sooner give blood than reveal how much or how little money they have invested or readily available. One of the exceptions to this would be those who seek their self-esteem from other people and boast about their financial circumstances.

Quite often they are boasting about financial levels that are lower than their audience’.

Many people will share anything they have but when it comes to money that is secret information.

I am not saying that this is right or wrong, good or bad. It is just the way our society has developed.

Money can be a problem in a relationship because of the pride, which comes with it. Spending money can be a powerful and exciting experience, so there is a feeling of power in the situation of having money to spend and in being able to buy what you want.

Marriage counsellors discover quite early that arguments over money, in a marriage are usually battles over position, pride and general control. Over spending, large debts and sudden loss of money causes deep depression, loss of esteem, and other stressful situations, which can undermine the strongest relationship.

When mistakes are made, and they will happen, the person in control of the money is blamed and the faith of other family members, in that person is often weakened or lost. The relationship is undermined to the degree that trust can no longer be placed in that person. That lack of trust often overflows into other areas of the relationship, which are not strong.

Within a marriage, particularly where children are concerned, money can be used to punish, reward, to frustrate and manipulate, giving the person in control of it much power. This is one of the strongest arguments for both parents to share in the management of their family’s finances.

Can you understand why the spouse should consider deeply before ever giving to their partner, sole responsibility for family finances?

Today, with easy credit, so many people bring with them heavy baggage in the form of credit card debt, hire purchase debt and other commitments. All this should be declared and taken into account well before the marriage.

Be warned, many have suffered much trauma in embarrassing court costs and other circumstances because they wished to hasten the great day by helping to pay out some or all that heavy baggage and the engagement fell through. I agree, there are always exceptions, but do be careful.

If neither of you have ever used a budget, now is the time to learn about them. There are thousands of books on managing money wisely. Many of them are about making money work for you. You will have to search to find a book explaining budgeting with very little money and a small income.

It would pay to read as many as you can so you both understand money and how to make it work for you. There are many in your local library. There are as many budgets as there are financial circumstances. They can all be successful if you have the self-discipline to make them work.

Good budgets are written budgets that are discussed in detail by both partners. Budgets consist of numbers so they are very precise. A budget must balance or show a profit. It is impossible to pretend that everything is okay when it is not because the computer or calculator will highlight a negative balance with a (-) or print it in red.

Living with a budget will require adjustments. The numbers do not lie. If there is a need it will become apparent. The solution may not always be so apparent. Many adjustments and changes in expectations are required as the marriage matures.

Be aware that many have gambled and many have lost, through having joint accounts before they were married. It does not matter how short your engagement period is or how much you think the other is in love with you. Be warned! Yes, there are always exceptions. Are you really one of them?

An argument often used to support joint accounts before marriage is that if you don’t want to do this then you are not totally committed to the future marriage.

The actual wedding is the sign of any major significance to a total commitment. The engagement ring is only having a sign up saying ‘we are negotiating towards that end’.

The wife is going to have to change her signatures after the wedding, on any joint accounts you have organised before the wedding, so why not wait till then?

Be prepared for Murphy’s Law. If one of you has a serious accident before marriage, the law can cause all sorts of problems, for the person left behind, in getting to your money particularly when the other’s family tries to claim their property.

It is always a good idea if both of you begin individual budgeting quite some time before the wedding date. This will reveal several things.

(a) Do you both have the self-discipline to stay within your personal budget?
(b) Are you both as committed in this area as the other person?
(c) Who is the most practical in money matters, are just a few.

What you learn about each other during this exercise may make it easier to decide how you will organise your finances after marriage. It may tell you quite a lot about your chosen one.

As was previously said about the power of money, the way a person manages their money often exposes more about deeper aspects of their nature than would take you many years of marriage, to discover.

It does not mean that if one of you can not live within a budget, that they will not make a good marriage partner. It can become a real problem if that person wants total control over the finances.

It does not have to be that one of you manages the finances. Both of you can manage them but whichever way you do it, both of you must come to an agreement before major, and in some cases any spending, is a must.

Budgets come in all ranges and sizes from expensive top level accounting methods to the one exercise book, one bank book. Do not use jars or tins; use one of the many financial institutions. Some still have little or no charges at this time but check them out.

Seeking financial advice is most imperative if one or both of you have savings of over four figures, or if neither of you can make your budget work. This advice does not have to cost the earth. There are church groups or charitable groups who have counselling services, which can start you on the road to financial success. Remember all budgets will work if you have the self-discipline to stick to them.

To help you see if you need advice or assistance in budgeting and in keeping with the saying that the only good budget is a written one, carry out the following very basic and simple exercise.

On a blank sheet of paper write down, in any order, all your personal regular expenses. For example: – CHURCH CONTRIBUTIONS, FOOD, RENT OR MORTAGE, POWER and or GAS, RATES, LIST OF HIRE PURCHASE REPAYMENTS, CREDIT CARD REPAYMENTS, CAR REPAYMENTS, CAR SERVICES, CAR REGO. CAR INSURANCE, HOUSE and or CONTENT INSURANCE, PERSONAL INSURANCE, MEDICAL INSURANCE, TRAVEL EXPENSES [includes petrol, bus/train fares or car pooling contributions], SAVINGS [10% of wage], CLOTHING ALLOWANCE, MAINTENANCE EXPENSES, PERSONAL REWARD, HOLIDAYS.

These are but a few. Leave out those you don’t have and add any others. Always have some savings or you will never get anywhere without generous wealthy parents. A healthy budget always has a saving account of about ten percent of the income. This may not be a sensible figure at the beginning but it is a good one to work towards.

Now put those expenses into groups. Those, which must be paid weekly, fortnightly, monthly, quarterly, half yearly and yearly. Next, write the payment to be made and the due date, beside each. Then divide the due date repayment amount by the number of your pay periods there are in the due-date repayment period of that expense.

For example: if the repayment is monthly and you are paid every week then you divide the amount of the monthly payment by four, if the expense is yearly, divide it by forty-eight. [You do not want to be paying all your expenses out of your holiday pay. Do you?] This will help you to discover how much of your pay or income is gobbled up by your debt.

Do this with every expense you have. Now total up all the amounts of your expenses within your pay period. Then subtract this amount from your bring home pay.

Ignore overtime. Always live on your basic wage and use overtime as extra help in paying off expenses quicker and save money. Even if the overtime is permanent, it will be the first thing to go in a recession or downturn in the nation’s economy when money becomes tight.

If your total expense within your pay period is greater than your bring home pay, without overtime, you urgently need help with your finances. If you still have something left over, then clever you, save it for a rainy day or pay your smaller debts off first.

Purchase an exercise book or an accounting book from the news agency and allow several pages for each expense. This book should be kept for one year beginning in July or from now to the end of June this year. Then organise another book at the beginning of each financial year.

Write the name of the expense on the top of the page with the total payment each time it is due and the allowance from each pay packet for that expense. You can put all this along the top of the first page of each expense or account. Show all your income and expenses, even your credit cards, in this book.

Then draw three, Dollars and Cents columns, they should be in the accounting book if you bought the correct one, on the right hand side of the page, down the whole page.

You can work with two column as the example shows. Put headings at the top of each column. The first column is for the amount payed when payment falls due. Every time a deposit is made or every payday, enter the amount in the second column. Every time the expense is paid with the date paid entered on the same line on the left side of the page and write ‘payment’ in the middle and the amount in the first column. The third column is for the progressive totals each pay period and the amount left in that account after each payment made on that expense, if any. Each time you make a payment you subtract column one from the third column and add column two to three when you make a deposit. If your pay is weekly then the third column will show the progressive amount every week.

If the expense is paid quarterly then the first column will show a withdrawal of that expense amount every three months with a corresponding amount deducted from and entered in the progressive amount or third column.

DATE	ACTION ON RENT ACCOUNT	120 a week	480 a month
7/4/2000	deposit	120 00	120 00
14/4/00	deposit	120 00	240 00
21/4/00	deposit	120 00	360 00
28/4/00	deposit	120 00	480. 00
1/5/00	paid rent XYZ estate agent	480 00	* *
5/5/00	deposit	120 00	120 00
12/5/00	deposit [overtime this week]	240. 00	360 00
19/5/00	deposit	120 00	480 00
26/5/00	deposit	120 00	600 00
2/6/00	paid rent XYZ estate agent	480 00	120 00

Do the same for each different expense account you have.

If your pay is paid into a bank account and you are happy with the interest you are getting then you need not organise another account. Unless, you use that account as a debit card account or a spending account.

[Never, never, deposit expense account savings in a debit card account and BEWARE OF ACCOUNTS IN WHICH YOU MUST ALWAYS KEEP A MINIMUM AMOUNT OR THE BANK WILL CHARGE YOU.]

If you still receive your wages in hand then you need to pay it directly into an account upon which you can draw as your expenses come due. [See the above highlighted statement.]

In this manner you must discipline yourself to never spend money on yourself, unless there is a balance shown in the rewards account of your expense account book, at home. You are limited only by the amount in that account.

If you spend money you are saving for a yearly expense you are spending money you really do not have because it belongs to that yearly expense.

It may be in your account but it belongs to the yearly expense.

There may be an odd time you have to borrow from one account to pay another but you must pay it back to the account you borrowed it from whenever you get overtime or the like. This borrowing and repayment MUST be shown in your budget book. Our memories can play tricks on us!

If you find you are doing this often then something is wrong. Accept this as a warning that you are either not earning enough or you are spending too much on things for which you have not budgeted or you are not strong enough to stay within your budget and you need help.

Hopefully, your account will begin to show a profit after a year or two as you begin to make final payments on some debts. Use this profit to pay off another expense quicker. Do this and you will save money on the interest you do not have to pay on your debts. After you are married and have a mortgage, pay your excess funds into this account you will be surprised how much you will save in the long term.

A clever trick is to use any overtime or bonuses or tax returns to do this. Get rid of all bad debts as quickly as possible. It is amazing how much money you will save. As you get out of debt you will find your savings growing.

Use half of these savings to pay off other debts and save more. Put the other half in your savings, or the reward account, or other special account. You can reward yourself for being strong and successful, after you are out of debt!

Once you are out of debt try to pay cash for most of what you buy. You will have more money, because you do not have to pay all that interest, with which to reward yourself and most times, if you can barter, you can beat them down in price.

Always remember, the marked price is the bargaining point from which you begin to barter if you have the cash. Keep the best credit card for emergencies and return or cancel and destroy the others. Get advice on the best credit card. The card with the lowest interest rate is not necessarily the best.

Be careful with the rewards programs etc., which are offered by many cards. They often reward you with things, which are beyond your life style and often lead you into extra expense, which you can not afford.

You have to spend lots on credit to earn sufficient reward points to which you have to add money, which you generally can not afford, to receive something, of which, you would normally never buy or otherwise use.

There is no such thing as a free lunch. We pay for everything we get. Credit cards are not profitable to the credit institutions because of the things they give away. It is all geared to deviously suck as much money as possible from you.

After marriage, and before as well, beware of the “keeping up with the Jones” syndrome. I can hear you denying this now. We would never do that!

A large portion of advertising is slanted towards caressing this nerve which most people have. Very few people are happy when they think they have missed out on something they could have had very easily or painlessly. It’s yours for nothing down and no repayments for. [How long?] You have heard it I am sure.

It is all a con. To make you spend money you would normally would not, because you could not really afford to. If you can not, for some reason, pay the debt off before the interest falls due then you cop the lot.

The old, old saying, “Fix it up, wear it out, make it do or do without,” may be an old one but it still applies today to people working a tight budget on meagre income. If you really want it you will only have to do without it a few years anyway. By then you may be able to afford it because the price may have come down a little. If you get it on time-payment, most times it is due to be replaced just after making the final payment and you are recycled into the debt syndrome again.

The only people who are really hurt during financial recessions or depressions are those who are in debt. Interest never rests! It never takes a holiday! It never gets sick! It is no respecter of persons! It hates borrowers! It is always working at increasing your debt and has to be paid somehow one day! The cause of high interest rates is because of the amount of debt the individual owes.

I do not have heaps of money. The harder I worked the luckier I got. I have been fortunate to always have enough to meet my needs, with the stress on needs and not wants.

In my younger days I tried to satisfy my wants: new cars, gadgets, devices and tools, which I was told would make my life easier and give me more time to play and enjoy myself. I foolishly believed them.

Looking back, I can tell you that very few came anywhere near fulfilling the promises and satisfaction they advertised.

The new things became scratched and dented, the gadgets buckled and strained under the work they were supposed to save me and the tools didn’t save me any time either. In fact, they all demanded a lot more of my time and money to maintain and repair them, all of which could have been spent on or with my wife and children.

There is great wisdom in another old saying, ‘That which you own will eventually own you!’ The time I might have spent with my family was spent in slavery maintaining and repairing depreciating pieces of junk, which are now gathering dust in the shed or have been replaced or dumped.

They certainly did not save me any money either!

My wife carries her age well and has survived the rigours of it without the need of too much powder and paint. Our family of six children has been reasonably well dressed throughout our family life. We have given our custom to many Op-shops where quality clothing and articles were purchased at bargain prices and it wasn’t very long before most of it came back in fashion again. Take a stroll through a few. You will be amazed at the quality of some of the items in some of the shops.

Of course many people are too proud to frequent those places.

I haven’t eaten with Kings or Queens yet but I have with a variety of community leaders, in my Op-shop suits, and they looked no different to any of theirs.

Today we do not owe any financial institution anything. We are free of that wicked burden called interest payments. It took a number of years but we finally did it!

Having been born at an unfortunate time I suffered the experience during the early days of my marriage, when my expenses were high the interest rates were also high and now when my expenses are slightly less and I have some surplus to invest, the interest rates are low. We are finding that the usury is not helping us too much now but at least we are not paying it.

What to do with your spare money. That’s a laugh. When you are raising children there is rarely any spare money. But cheer up, there does come a time, if you have budgeted, when you find you have some which is not required by your budget.

Think ahead. Consider your future. We have found we urgently required a couple of thousand a number of times.

We were fortunate we did not spend all our surplus on pleasure or rewards.

Look about at the various financial institutions, including credit unions. Some have accounts, which provide a slightly higher rate of interest than you are getting in your rewards or savings account and you can still get at the money in an emergency.

Be careful not to tie your money up for long periods of time unless you can afford long term investment. Particularly while raising children always make sure you can get your hands on some money quickly.

Your debts were making you pay for them in the past. Now get your revenge. Make your money work for you and pay you a return. Never believe in their sayings of a quick return. It will increase, but, oh so slowly. Remember, when trying to invest your money, “If the investment sounds too good to be true, it is!” Do not touch it with your money! Where the promised rewards are very good or high so is the risk of loosing your principle too high too take the chance.

COMMUNICATIONS

Poor or lack of communication is another of the big three divorce makers. Most young people know very little about interpersonal communications and many older people know even less. Knowing how to ask, inform, present your point of view, disagree, and have your spouse understand what you want or need, clearly is an awesome skill. Happy are the couple where some of these skills are evidenced.

I was going to add, without hurting feelings or causing offence but we need to understand that we are responsible for our own feelings. If we are offended with someone, for whatever reason, we have chosen to react in that manner.

We hear, ‘I lost my temper.’ Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To ‘lose something’ implies ‘not meaning to,’ ‘accidental,’ ‘involuntary,’ ‘not responsible’—careless perhaps but ‘not responsible.’

“‘he made me mad.’ this is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. this is a myth that must be debunked. no one makes us mad. others don’t make us angry. there is no force involved. becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. we choose!.. understanding the connection between our freedom to choose and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. we can choose not to become angry. and we can make that choice today, right now if we want.

No one can really hurt you with words, unless you allow them to hurt you. Remember the old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”? That can be a very true saying.

A wise man once said words to the effect, “If you take offence when offence was not intended then you are a fool. If you take offence where offence was intended then you probably are a fool.” I believe that is good advice.

A major hurdle in interpersonal communications is understanding that men and women communicate in different ways. Simply put and that never explains it fully, a woman communicates her feelings and a man communicates intellectually or logically. They say it all has to do with hormones? Now, there are always exceptions. Remember the graph.

I am not saying that the difference makes one right or the other wrong. I am trying to say simply, that it is the nature of most men and women to communicate differently and that’s the way it is and we had better understand that if we wish to live happily together.

Can I introduce you again, to Ralph and Gertrude?

Ralph and Gertrude were returning, home by car, to the city late one night with the radio playing relaxing music when the lights of a fast food stop was lighting the way ahead. Gertrude asked, “Would you like a drink dear?”

“No thanks,” he replied, and continued driving in silence listening to the music.

When they arrived home a short while later Ralph discovered his wife was upset.

He asked her why? She replied that she was thirsty and he wouldn’t stop so she could get a drink back at the shops!

But she had asked him if he was thirsty!

Ralph began to fix that immediately by getting her a drink from the fridge. It didn’t matter if he got