Teenagers: The Most Feared Creatures on Earth

The human teenager is the most feared creature on the face of the earth. The manner in which they dress, the things they say and the beasts they call friends will cause even the most easy-going adult to seek therapy. The human teenager lives in cities, suburbs and even in remote rural areas. Teenagers tend to feed at fast food restaurants and graze in packs at shopping malls.

Here are some characteristics of this ferocious and misunderstood creature:

1. Teenagers need a constant supply of money to survive. They are always asking for a “twenty.” When faced with this situation the adult must be strong and recommend a part-time job or chores around the house.
2. Teenagers have some mysterious friends that you never see but they are always conversing with by text on their cell phones. It is impossible to supervise these conversations so you must once again push the part-time employment to pay for all those text messages.
3. Teenagers think that they are the only resident of your “castle” and make themselves known by throwing their shoes and backpacks everywhere. Their bedrooms are frightening pits of pure terror. Enter the room of a teenager and you will see clothes, books, papers, water bottles, shopping bags and random items thrown all over the floor. It is very dangerous to attempt any kind of investigation of their lairs since you cannot see the floor and you do not know what lurks beneath the debris. Remind your teen that if they wish to see their scary friends they must at least get the clothes off the floor. The phrase “Santa won’t come for children with messy rooms” no longer has an impact unfortunately.
4. Teenagers know everything! You cannot tell a teen anything new as they have the knowledge and experience of an 80 year old human living inside their adolescent bodies. NOT! In actuality, teenagers think they know everything, but they lack the experience of life to know really anything. Gently remind your teen that you lived in the 70’s and therefore you know more. Add politely the fact that you have had firsthand experience as your teen gives you the rolled eyes and sits down preparing for another long history lesson.
5. Teenagers are nocturnal. Something happens to their internal clock when they hit the age of 13. Suddenly the most exhausted teen during the day is wide awake and ready to party at night. Be aware also that teenagers do not wake up easily on school days and sleep until noon on weekends. Scientists do not understand how this happens to your once 8PM bedtime loving precious child.
6. Teenagers love only one thing more than their unusual friends. This is the family car. They are attracted to a car like bees are to honey. As soon as they have their driver’s license they will be out and about testing their independence. Again remind your teen about a part-time job and the cost of gasoline with a smile on your middle-aged face.
7. Teenagers “go out” and are very vague about details. Kindly tell your teen that if they want to use the car they must give more specific details about where they are going, who is going to be there and when they are coming home. This might be a good time to discuss something called curfew as well.
8. Teenagers are exhausting and you will find yourself a bit more tired with their drama and late nights. Suggest community service to get them out of your hair and do something good for others.
9. Teenagers are obsessed with the mirror. Female teenagers especially will spend incredible amounts of quality time in front of a mirror preening themselves. This might be a good time to revisit the word “sharing” so that other family members get their bathroom time as well. Sharing was a tough concept at age two and it rears its ugly head again in the teenage years.
10. Talk to your teenager everyday even if they don’t say much to you. Ask them about their day and how it went. Demand more specific responses than “Fine,” “Cool” and “What?” If your teen refuses to answer your questions in complete sentences threaten to hold the car hostage this Friday night. It is amazing how cooperative a teen can be after this simple threat is made. Money is also another item that can be used to coax a subject and a predicate out of your teen.
11. Teenagers have a different sense of fashion than you do. But remind your teen that covered bodies are far sexier than the midriff look. Also baggy shorts still belong on the bottom and not the thighs. Any fashion that you as the parent do not like can also be changed instantly with the promise of no car use this weekend. This constant threat of car loss will force your teen to think about their personal appearance and take responsibility for it at least around you.
12. Teenagers are horrified to be seen in public with anyone over the age of 21. They go shopping reluctantly only because you hold the credit card and they quickly ditch you in the store. Don’t take this personally they will like you more once they reach the grand old age of 20.

Teenagers are definitely the most feared beasts to ever roam the planet earth.

Of course I thought the same thing about two year olds when I lived with them.

The teen years will end just as the terrible twos ended. Calm yourself knowing that parents of teenagers will emerge from this alarming stage victorious, insane or possibly both. Hang in there!