Sofas, Sex and Other Keys to a Happy Home

It is nearly the one-year anniversary of the arrival of our leather sofa, and I am happy to report, it is as clean and beautiful as the day it was delivered. Considering the sofa lives with us-meaning my six year old son, my four year old daughter, and me, this is beyond an achievement, it is miraculous! The sofa is located in a high-traffic area of the house, and no, it is not enshrined under any sort of cover, plastic, cloth or otherwise! So, to what can I point to explain how a mere couch can survive two children under the age of seven? I have a theory.

When I bought the sofa, my children and I had just begun a little experiment called making family agreements. In order to create some sense of continuity in their lives after their father and I separated, we decided to set some “house rules” that would apply to both houses. I thought we might get better compliance if the children were involved in making some of the rules for themselves, so we had a family meeting and set agreements on meal time, bed time, and bath time.

It seemed only natural when we brought home the new sofa, to ask them to make up agreements on care of personal property, such as furniture. The children’s rules were fairly restrictive. No shoes on couch, no food on couch, no drinking beverages on couch except water. Jumping up and down on the couch is forbidden, but running through the dining room and diving on to the couch and sliding across to the other end is permitted.

What amazes me is when it comes to remembering and enforcing the sofa rules my children are first-rate. I have found this strategy to be somewhat effective in other areas as well. Take meal times, for example. My children eagerly contributed to creating a list of 10 agreements for meal times. My son set the following rules: Wash your hands before meal, every one in his/her own seat, and wipe your mouth with napkin. My daughter, who was three at the time, added: no messing up the window covers, no throwing pencils at the table, and no throwing pictures on the pencils. I added: must ask to be excused before leaving the table, sit up properly and face your plate, and discuss nothing that happens below the waist.

I made the below the waist rule to try to minimize introducing poo-poo as a meal-time topic of conversation. As all parents know, for children between the ages of two and five, all jokes about poo-poo are hysterical. It is very fun to talk about poo-poo, and it rhymes easily too!

When it comes to enforcing meal time agreements, my children are not as impeccable as they are with the agreements for the sofa. However, each is quick to gleefully report to me any breach of agreement by the other. “Mom, Maya left the table without asking to be excused!” or “Mom, Dylan wiped his mouth on his shirt again!” And sometimes, it is mom who needs reminding.

The other day, I was on the phone with a friend while I was preparing to serve the children dinner. I hung up the phone just as we began our meal.

“Who was that?” My son, Dylan asked.

“My friend, Kurt.” I answered. “Kurt has a seven year old son.”

“Oh, is he married?”

“No, I don’t believe he was ever married.”

“Then how does he have children?” Four-year-old Maya chimed, eyes wide with wonder.

“Well,” I said, readying myself for the birds and the bees talk which now seemed immanent. “You don’t have to be married to have children.”

I looked at the two confused faces starting blankly at me from the other side of the breakfast bar.

“You get children by having sex. And people can have sex without being married.” I replied. The response was initially silence until my daughter’s face gradually moved from the blank stare to a bright grin.

“Then YOU had sex!!!” She exclaimed gleefully.

“How do you know?” I asked.

She cheerfully pointed to herself, her brother, back to herself and to her brother again. Giggling all the while!

“That’s right,” I confessed. “Your dad and I had sex.”

At this point, I suppose my son had had just about enough, because he jumped in and added, “But we won’t be talking about that now, right mom, because that happens below the waist!”

Ah, saved by the rules! “Thank you, Dylan!”

When I think about what is really going on by including the children in making house agreements, I get the sense that it is creating a sense of ownership. The agreements belong to all of us. The children helped write the rules, so living by them is easier, and more fun, to do. When we got a new rug for the living room, the kids sat me down and said, “We need to make rules for the new carpet.” And they came up with the whole list, no shoes on rug, no food, drinks, and so on.

I am still getting busted for walking on the carpet with shoes. Maybe I should have had more input on the rug agreements!

I really enjoy the sense of our family as a team that has come forward as a result of formulating agreements together. When one of us points out a slip up, it feels more like providing extra support than getting in trouble. We also enjoy laughing at ourselves when we need to be reminded.

Of course, the natural dynamics between parent and child co-exist with this ownership model. My mother was visiting recently, and she was standing on the new carpet while wearing shoes. “Uh, Oh!” she said to Maya, “No shoes on the carpet, right?”

Maya looked around, gestured to grandma to come closer and said in a whisper, “It’s okay, Grandma, mom’s not watching!”

So, it’s not a perfect model! It is effective in that overall our household is run in a spirit of cooperation and light-heartedness, and my leather sofa, lest we forget, is safe and sound in the living room.