What does a mother do, who sees through her sociopath adult son now, yet still loves him but cannot any longer absorb the drama and damages he creates in our lives? How do I deal with a son like this now age 40? Should I try to warn any other women or people I see he tries to use, or just stay out of it, and keep him out of our lives? I now see I cannot help him, but I cannot allow him to continue trying to hurt us. I am still heartsick over it and worry he might really hurt or harm someone else. Unlike many other mothers I have never hesitated to try to warn someone else, but he already has these people blinded to not believe me anyhow.
Cover of Son
Upshifter, my heart goes out to you. I know your post was from 2010, but I hope you find this post again in 2011. I once had to fight an ex-husband for 17 years in the Courts to keep our multiply handicapped son and I safe from him. I actually had to go study law myself (on my own) to go after him because most attorneys are useless when there is money and corruption involved. You actually have to hire an attorney from another state and a different bar to go after someone in your own state who is getting away with murder so to speak, meaning any corruption involved. In my case I did not have the money to hire an Attorney from out of town, so this was my only answer.
My suggestion is to do all you can do to keep the grandchildren safe to keep them from ending up with additional problems.
For the rest of you as it relates to my son a sociopath, here is my story!
My very first son whom I had at a very young age before I was married, I tried to raise until he was eight years old ended up in foster care when I could not get him any help. I had no medical back then and I could not seem to get any for him. He was a very unusual child. Very smart. By the age of six he was not just lying about everything and manipulating people, but was such a good actor he convinced teachers that he could not do his homework because he was tied up every night. I later found out there was convincing tears and all kinds of antics to get their sympathy and belief.
Even till this day I sometimes wake-up thinking it was all just a bad dream I had, between the evil husband and the strange behaving child I had before I married him.
I ended up putting this child in foster care after he started several fires, and I became afraid he might burn the house down with all of us in it. I was told that if I put him in temporary foster care that they the state would have to provide counseling and mental help for him to work him back into the family. It was meant to only be a temporary situation.
But after getting him into foster care, he conned the Foster Parents into thinking he was so abused, and needed special attention and more love than anyone else (more things and more freedom actually) that it all backfired. He saw these people had a house in a better area and more money and he saw more things he could get from them. They did not clean much of anything and did not expect much out of the kids in the home like chores or responsibilities. They let the kids run all over all the place, even at times until late night which was something I did not do. I wanted to know where my kids were at all times and I did not let them stay out late at night. I also made them pick up their toys and clean their rooms and do homework.
These people believed him and thereby went after me with a vengeance thinking they were saving him from a bad life or abuse that led them to feel sorry for him and even to use their affluence and money to take all my parental rights away without any real evidence but his play acting. These same people even tried to blackmail me into giving up my parental rights by telling me they would go to my handicapped son’s school and tell them about his abused brother in foster care and destroy what was left of my family. When I refused, that was exactly what they did. The son in Foster care did the same with psychologists and psychiatrists, he was able to fill them with his tears and stories for sympathy which did not help me to get him back either. After 3 years of fighting these affluent people in Court and while I had no money for an attorney trying to represent myself, (they were provided three free from the state) so I could try to keep my son and try to get him the help he needed and to have him return home, they not only took my rights away but ended up adopting him. I was devastated for the rest of my life as though someone had torn my heart out and took a piece of me.
When I knew my son was 16, I went to an attorney to try to find him, and evidently he did something similar. Since finding each other again, he has been in and out of our lives, meaning myself as his Mom and his Step Brother who is Handicapped. By this time I was just beginning my divorce and legal battles that went on with my former husband for a total of 17 years. The actual divorce really ended after 1 year which then about 2 weeks later he married the woman he cheated on me with. The 17 years total included various Court legalities due to his many bankruptcies to avoid child support for our one handicapped child we had together and due to his fraud for his illegal theft of every home I bought or ended up with for his son and I to try to live in thereafter the divorce that he would then try to use the legal system to try cover his crimes.
This may make me sound cold and cruel to divulge this information, but it took me 10 years to bring myself to even believe this, even when I was seeing it go on for years in the Court System trying to destroy me and my other son. I could not believe there was such evil in the world much less in our Justice System. My other handicapped son is very insightful and called me a flower child who was not capable of protecting us from his father’s criminal activities against us and trying to hurt us because I was incapable of thinking evil like he does much less believing there was such a thing. I have seen people post about sociopaths the exact same reaction about evil. Maybe the Court and Political system that reinforces these things are full of sociopaths! What a revelation for people these days to wake up to!
While I woke up to this very thing in the Courts years ago, I had not yet woke up to it with my son whom I keep letting back into our lives and he keeps trying to destroy us too or just cause trouble and drama. I guess I did think he had mental problems, I just never connected it to him possibly being a sociopath. Now I am sure of it without a doubt, and I believe he has fooled most professionals and everyone else too at least for a time, long enough to leave a path of devastation everywhere he goes especially when someone figures things out.
My battle with the exhusband, I found out later it had to do with the attorney he hired that was very corrupt and doing the same to other women. In studying Law, I finally learned the law is NOT about justice, as any good attorney paid enough can make any innocent person look like a criminal and any criminal look like an innocent person. They can say anything they please and you are not allowed to defend yourself even if you are able to get a Court appointed attorney unless you take on your own case Pro Se.
If one attorney is doing something wrong, the opposing attorney most likely will never go after them for the fraud because they belong to the same bar. They can submit evidence, or choose to eliminate important evidence. An attorney’s only interest is money and how long they can drag things out to get as much as they can. If you are a client that is hard to handle I have even seen Attorneys barter and change clients for favors with other attorneys. If the opposing party has more money than you, they can hire professionals to try to prove their case while if you have no money you are screwed to be able to prove your side or opposing testimony. Attorneys’ are learned professionals at how to twist words and meaning’s of words. The Courts are about equity, not Justice because we are a Bankrupt nation and Judges in a sense are merely acting like trustees over the assets, meaning you, your income, your children, and their incomes, along with anything you or they may own to cover the outrageous debt that those in political office or those who are in control of this country create.
Back to the sociopath son, everytime this son comes into our life, it is clear that he comes because he wants something or needs help. For years I could not turn him away even though I had my hands full with his brothers 24/7 care by myself, and no other family or help, and not much money that we were living on to help either.
It is obvious to me that the Foster Parents that ended up taking my parental rights and my son away from me and adopting him have at some point washed their hands of him. Only difference is to them I am the blame for his behavior even though they raised him longer than I did. It must be nice to be either a Foster Parent or an Adoptive parent because both you and the child can always have the original parent to blame for any problem with the child even though you really never knew the parent and information they rely on may just be just hearsay or manipulation!
Needless to say, I would still fall all over him wanting to try to show him how much I love him and feel bad about his being placed in foster care to begin with.
But everytime I would take him in, (he was 18 and an adult by this time, even with a baby of his own) and would give him money that his brother and I really needed, and would go way out to help in any way we could, he would do things to destroy our lives in anyway he could after he would get what he wanted. He constantly lied, was irresponsible, could never hold a job, and constantly used people and manipulated them in such a way I can only say he is a professional. He would find women with a weakness and use that to move in with them, have them pay all the bills and buy his goodies. While they were working he would stop by my home with other women he was cheating with until I out my foot down. If I tried to tell any of these women he was a user, they would not believe me because he already had them bamboozled with lies that I had been a terrible mother who did awful things to him so they would feel sorry for him. I just thought at the time he was just a womanizer.
After each devastation he would cause, I would either tell him not to come here or get a court order of protection. This was after years of us trying to help him, and even after he would come back say maybe every three or four years later with some story of why he needs to see me and usually because he needs something or help, but would not always say upfront.
Four years ago I finally had enough. He showed up at the door and he was told he could not come into our home anymore. He was told if he wanted to speak to me he should write a letter and send it with his current return address. I told him if his return address was not on it, I would just throw it in the garbage. The reason for this is because everytime he comes like a wolf in sheep clothing we never know where he came from to serve him with papers if he causes trouble. He hides information to get away with things.
Now it is four years later and he shows up at our door, nearly two months ago saying he is dying of Brain Cancer and just wanted to come up to make amends. Right, he did appear ill, so we let him stay for a few days hoping he would get well enough just to go get help. Turns out his wife of 4 years whom he had 2 more kids with asked him to leave, and he supposedly had nowhere to go, and he still maintained he was dying of Cancer. This is his hearsay, knowing he lies about everything, I do not know the truth.
After a few days of what I could see were lies, as I could not get a real home phone number for his wife to speak to her, I told him he had to either go work things out with her or go get some medical help. I gave him what money we had left to survive on for the month, and his brother gave him some of his clothes and a jacket as he showed up with not even a jacket or clothes to change into, and claimed he even left his wallet and ID at home.
He already had his first child at 18 with another woman, whom also kicked him out and fled from him to keep him away. He was lucky with her because she had help of her Mom to go back to school, get a good job, never on welfare, and never made him pay a cent. I believe she just wanted to keep herself and the child a safe distance from him even if it meant supporting the child by herself. I never even got a chance to speak to her about what happened because like other people he used the abuse story to get them to not want to talk to me and for sympathy.
Bottom line, he is now 40 years old, and this last situation just occurred within the last 2 months. Again I have found out he never did have any Brain Cancer and there is no way to talk to his current wife. At first I did not want to get involved with his divorce or bother her, but now I just want to find out the truth from the lies again and try to warn her to keep her and her kids safe.
He tried to commit suicide after leaving our home and after ending up in a Mental Hospital who let him out not long ago without any where else to go. He uses hospitals like a vacation and a place to stay when his victims get wise and make him leave. But for all the mental help he gets, it is no use or help for him. He clearly shows me he is not there for that anyhow, and then complains constantly that he is bored to death there, despite his putting himself there to begin with.
So he came out of the second hospital about 2 weeks ago into a placement or a home for homeless people who have mental problems. I found out he overdosed on drugs and has been a drug addict for years. No real surprise there given what he has put us through over the years. But he keeps denying it even though a doctor who treated him told me this along with a couple of other professionals who were in his life.
Again it is just another system for him to use until the next victim. I used all my resources to talk to everyone in the hospital to try to help him and make sure they did not let him out to end up on the streets again like the first hospital did, or to try to commit suicide again, seeing how his wife made him leave, supposedly. I refuse to let him live with us anymore. He supposedly left his home with his wife with nothing, no clothes, no money and no means. His supposed reasoning was, that she wanted him to leave because he refused to help with the kids or anything else. He claimed he had Brain Cancer and was too ill to do anything. Now 2 weeks later he was taken into a placement where all he had to do was apply for welfare and they made it easy for him because of their status in the community as a nonprofit supposedly. They cook for him, he pays no bills, has no responsibility, and recently he said they spent over $1000 on him for all new clothes despite we gave him used stuff, which I suppose in his mind was not good enough for him. He could have went back to his house where his wife is to get his clothes and belongings even if he had to get a Police Officer to go with him to avoid any trouble, but he refused to do that. The only reasoning I can think of is that he knows how to get brand new stuff out of other people and new goodies any time he wants by victimizing others.
We have seen him do this over and over like he wants to start a new life over and over, like getting what he wants or needs is no big deal. I imagine when all your lies are exploding maybe that is the time they use what they can to start over with new a new life, new lies, and new victims. I think they even use aliases. I found my son had used alias addresses and names to get several free safelink phones. Two for him and two for his wife, the one that made him leave, allegedly. But then I am just figuring it out, why he has no shame, guilt or any remorse, and the moral responsibilities and obligations of a child among the other things mentioned herein.
I saw him come out of a jail once into a half way house run by a Nun who had a heart of gold. Within two weeks he had brand new clothes, a new cell, her nice expensive car to use, and an entire room of computers at his disposal, just to name a few of the things he acquired in this half way house. Unfortunately this Nun was bamboozled by another con just out of jail who murdered her for some money he took from her. He got caught when she saw him in her room, and he killed her and hid the body to cover it all up. Her name was Sister Karen Klimczak. I actually had a conversation with her once after my son violated parole and took her car to another state. She tried to cover for him so he would not go back to jail. I tried to tell her he is a liar and a manipulator and if she keeps letting this go on it will make things worse. I told her I was a Christian and as one I did not feel it was appropriate for a woman Nun or no Nun to be living in a home with these men, much less letting them get away with so much. She was murdered not long after. Luckily it was not by my son, as he had just left there.
The day my son was let out of the hospital into this placement just recently, he went to this house on a Friday where they have people to do everything for them, signed in, left what things he had, things we either gave him or loaned to him temporarily, and he left right after to some girls house he barely knew but met in the hospital, where he stayed until the following Monday when he had to be at the placement center and to go from there to some outside treatment from a hospital because of his attempted suicide. I believe it may have been a requirement for him to keep getting help from this placement or otherwise he would not have come back or followed those rules at all.
I was so disappointed thinking in the last four years since I have seen my son, that maybe he had changed, or grown up and learned some things in life. This girl that he suddenly latched onto supposedly has money, a beautiful house in a nice area and had come here from the Ukraine and got many college degrees here. Next thing I know he is partially living there with her, but trying to hide it from other people. And still in denial that he is doing anything wrong or there is anything going on. To me he just keeps trying to justify it even though he can’t, not to me anyway. He just does not see it is wrong while he is supposed to be in the Courts dealing with a divorce and support, trying to get his life together.
But now I am catching on that maybe this is just another out for him. He is of course irresponsible and I believe he was told by a Judge that if he did not get a job and provide support, the Judge may throw him in jail. I guess the wife was on welfare when he was living there with her, and still is, yet telling welfare he did not live there. They were both doing things illegally to collect and get more than they should be getting.
Thereby when any woman is on welfare, the Courts will go after a man for support like a Pit Bull. I need to get away from this son, I just cannot take all the drama he causes. I have to try to keep his brother’s life as peaceful and uneventful as I can because of his handicaps. We don’t need this. I lost my work and income a year ago, and I could not get any help or welfare myself. First time I even tried to get any help in years from anyone.
I had to live off credit cards until I could get better and get work again and replace my lost income. I never leave my handicapped son alone because of his handicaps so any work I do, I have to be able to bring him with me. That is double busfare. This is a very hard order to fill for work.
I really don’t know how these people get away with taking more than they should get, when there are people who really need it, they qualify for it, but don’t get it because they have no resources left when they go for help, and have no one to ask for help needed to get the welfare in the first place. We were not raised to know how to work the system much less get any help. And we do not yell and scream bloody murder that our rights are being violated even if we are trying to get more rights than anyone else has.
Now I am thousands of dollars in debt because we could not get any help. It really makes you wonder these days whose is right and who is wrong when a sociopath can get all kind of free welfare and so many free goodies while when I really needed help could not get a anything. My son tells me how they lived on welfare and have all kinds of goodies including a HDTV and go to fancy restaurants, and shows, and have a ton of things. I still have our old analog TVs and have to be very frugal of every cent to get by and no help from anyone and we, my other son and I cannot afford to go to the show.
He has not even begun his divorce with his current wife. He had said his wife had started divorce proceedings and did not seem to worry about getting his life together and supporting the same kids he had with her that he cried about to me as though he really cared, just a week before when he was trying to get more sympathy by saying his wife would not let him talk to his kids on the phone when he was in the hospital. I thought that was cold and cruel of her, but now I realize it was most likely a lie as he needed to keep me reeled in to do more things for him. I also found it strange that just when she his wife put up a facebook page, just after he was released from the hospital, that he saw it and knew I saw it too, and it suddenly came right down. Gone by the next day. If I had wanted to contact her this would have been the only way I had found but now it was gone.
I just keep thinking he must have done something to make her take it down. I had looked for her online before and only found him on facebook, not her. He had long before been trolling around the internet just as I had figured he would do while I was never able until this time find his wife out there. He tried to tell me that she has no friends and he wanted to me to know he felt like HE should have been able to have a life other than her and the kids as one of his problems with her. I told him, “what is wrong with you, you have kids, and it is not about you anymore”. “How could you be 40 years old and still be acting like a child”? I STILL HAD NOT CAUGHT ON THAT MY SON IS A SOCIOPATH OR AS THEY CALL IT THESE DAYS (ASPD) ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER!
It turned out he lied about the Brain Cancer. I am sure of this after speaking to a doctor at the hospital who took every kind of test possible. When he was in the hospital, I loaned my son an MP4 player that was my own personal device and very important to me, I made sure he knew I wanted back after all the money and goodies we gave him to try to help him with. I use it to listen to my bible audio mp3s and various things I enjoy. I seldom buy anything for myself and this was one thing I saved up for quite a while to afford for myself. It was a good one with 16GB that I cannot even find anywhere any more even if I wanted to buy the same one.
Two Fridays in a row now he has told me he would be at our home on Friday evening to drop it off, and two Fridays now he has stood us up, ignored my phone calls and even had the Ukrainian woman he has been staying with lying for him saying he was not there when I knew he was because he was not at the placement he was supposed to be at.
My point is this, I had come to figure out previously that he would come to my home like a wolf in sheep’s clothing to get what he could out of us and then hurt us out of some rage. It took me years to figure this out because he is so cunning and like a professional actor. Once I realized it that he would come just to hurt manipulate and get things from us, I asked that he not just show up at our home any more. He used the only card he knew this last time that would get him my sympathy to let him back in our lives. It was like the last key. “That he was dying of Brain Cancer”. He said he came here to make amends but after time gone by it was clear to me he was here for ulterior motives and to get what he could. I thought maybe he had changed, but now I see he did not. He only thinks of himself, and clearly this woman he barely knows is more important to him, getting her to let him live there is of more importance than for him to return this MP4 player that means so much to me after all we did to try to help him. He is most likely playing a game watching me get upset, having a laugh or two and enjoying it while we had been waiting for him to show up when he clearly had no intentions of doing so, and having this girl lie for him too.
IT FINALLY HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS JUST YESTERDAY WHEN I BEGAN TO LOOK THINGS UP ONLINE. HE IS A SOCIOPATH OR WORSE, MAYBE A PHYCHOPATH. HE HAS EVEN BEEN IN JAIL FOR STABBING SOMEONE ELSE. CUTTING THEIR THROAT.
What does a mother do, who sees through her sociopath adult son now, yet still loves him but cannot any longer absorb the drama and damages he creates in our lives? How do I deal with a son like this now age 40? Should I try to warn any other women I see he tries to use, or just stay out of it, and keep him out of our lives? I now see I cannot help him, but I cannot allow him to continue trying to hurt us. I am still heartsick over it and worry he might really hurt or harm someone else. Unlike many other mothers I have never hesitated to try to warn someone else, but he already has these people blinded to not believe me anyhow.
I think he is jealous of his brother who is handicapped because we are very close. My handicapped son also now an adult took many years to tell me out of fear that the sociopath brother has in the past when staying with us threatened to kill him.
I believe this son because anytime I see the sociopath son show at our door, if his brother answers the door, he always has a hateful look on his face and treats the handicapped brother like dirt because he thinks I don’t see it. But I have a camera I can turn to see who is there and what they are doing.
The last time he had been here four years ago when I told him never to show up at our door again but to send a letter, I had also told him I would not tolerate his hateful behavior toward his brother that he had to show his brother respect because this is his home too. The problem I have is that we do not leave the camera on all the time and we are sometimes caught off guard as to who is at the door. Trying to keep our electric bills down. By the time we turn everything on, sometimes that person is gone.
Published in: Family