So, You Think You Want to be Foster Parents?

Children who have been removed from their homes and parents generally fall in to one or more of the following categories. They have most likely suffered some form of abuse in their birth home, whether it be physical abuse or emotional and psychological abuse.

They may have also been subjected to some form of neglect, being deprived of fundamental human needs. These needs may have been as basic as lack of running water and electricity in their homes. Or perhaps no food in their cupboards and refrigerator.

Their families may have been involved with drugs and/or other forms of illegal activity. Their parents may be in jail. Perhaps the parent’s income had been used to support the parent’s drug habit. These children may have been born drug exposed and are now showing the manifestations of that form of abuse.  Too many of these children have been sexually abused by trusted family members.

Suffice it to say, these kiddos are going to come in to your home with some sort of emotional baggage. It is important that you as the caregiving adult, recognize this fact upfront. As much as we would like to believe that all of these wrongs can be fixed by simply loving these children, that is not usually the case. This is not to say that one shouldn’t love these children who enter your home; by all means, they desperately need that kind of unconditional love.  It’s necessary to understand however,  that the majority of these children, by the time they have reached 3 years of age,  will have learned to not trust their supposed caregivers. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, subconsciously on the part of the child, so as not to be hurt once again. When the very basic  needs of an individual go unmet, it is inevitable that the child will retreat and withdraw as a protective measure. Without consciously meaning to, the child makes it difficult to be loved, even by those with good intentions.

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As a foster parent myself, for fifteen years, I helped raise nearly 100 children between the ages of birth and 17 years. The older the child, the more emotional baggage they brought along with them. Even some of the very young ones, who hadn’t spent more than a few months in neglectful and/or abusive homes, would eventually exhibit tell tale signs of their mistreatment.

One foster baby came into our home at around 8 months of age. She had been born drug exposed. It was known that she had been neglected, left lying in her crib for hours on end with no one attending to her needs. It was also suspected that she had been sexually abused by “friends” of her caregivers. Because she was non-verbal, it was only a suspicion as other children in the home had been abused and they reported that she had been too. This little one continued to be non-verbal well beyond the age that most toddlers are beginning to speak. One day, as I was changing her diaper, she spoke her first full sentence: “Don’t hurt me.” Up to this point, she always seemed vigilant while I changed her diapers, stiffening up and straining to watch my hands. But this time, she spoke the words that put her first 8 months of life and what she had endured, in to a whole new focus. To this day, as a teenager, she still has emotional issues, despite all the love and nurturing she has received for the majority of her life.

Another child came to us following a disrupted adoptive placement. Much of her early history was totally unknown. She went to live with her adoptive family at the age of 4; she came to our home when she was 8. She was a darling child, had the looks of a sweet little fawn. Things started out well enough at our house and initially it was difficult to see what might have caused the disruption in her adoption. One thing we are told however, is that there is always a “honeymoon” phase to placements of children. This is very true, and it only took about 4 weeks for us to experience the explosive side to this little deer. She threatened other members of our family with a kitchen knife, she swore like a pirate, she stole from us and from anywhere we took her. She went into another adoptive home, but they too experienced many of the same behaviors and decided not to adopt her. She later went on to become a compulsive liar and the last I heard she was about ready to leave the residential center, as she was turning 18.

There are success stories to be told too. My adopted 22 year old daughter began as a foster baby with attachment issues. She has grown in to a lovely young woman who has overcome the attachment issues she exhibited as a toddler. This is not to say that even she doesn’t have some character disturbances, but considering how she started out her life, she has done wonderful.

I recently reconnected with a young man who had been in my home twice, once as a toddler, and then again when he was about twelve years of age. He had some challenging behaviors and parents who were more interested in partying than parenting. I am pleased to report that he is engaged to be married, serving in the armed forces in Iraq, and very close to his grandparents who raised him the majority of his childhood. He has turned out great and I am thrilled that he wants to stay in touch with us. It took more than a dozen years, however for him to feel that way about us.

Foster parenting doesn’t pay anything except reimbursement for what they figure you will spend on the child during a typical month. The actual amount paid varies state by state, and usually by age group. They do come with medical and dental assistance, so there are no out of pocket expenses involved with that. Some damages kids may do are covered, others are not. Respite care is sometimes covered and sometimes not. In the beginning, you may not think you will need respite, but after a few months, it will become apparent that time away for you and your spouse or even your own children is a big necessity.

On a positive note, let me say that those fifteen years of providing foster care were the best years of my life. It was during that time that we adopted several children who had been within the foster care system. I will also say that it takes a great deal of patience…patience with the child, the birth parents and the system! Things we would like to see happen quickly, don’t. It’s just a fact of life. Children need time to grieve their losses and work out their wounds, and birth parents need to work on their own issues in their own time. Social workers are overloaded with cases, and must follow certain guidelines that will satisfy those who they answer to. It is quite frustrating at times.

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My personal experience is that the most interaction possible (safely) with birth families is a good thing. These meetings shouldn’t take place in a home, but rather a neutral, public location or in the office of the social worker. It may seem awkward at first, but the child needs to see that both his foster parents and birth family are on the “same page”, wanting what’s best for the child. For some birth families, it gives them the reassurance that their child is in a good place with good people. And for you, the foster parents, it will give you much insight into your foster child, the reasons for his behaviors, etc.

Another good practice for foster parents is to create a life storybook for your foster child and write little anecdotes about the child throughout the book. This is something that the child will treasure in the years ahead, regardless of how many homes he may pass through. In this book, you could place pictures of his birth family as well as pictures of activities done with your family.

There is lots to consider when deciding whether or not foster parenting is for your family. If you have children, you will definitely want to consider their feelings. Recognize that there is bound to be some sibling rivalry, much the same as if a new baby joined the family. The only difference is the arriving child will likely be old enough to show that rivalry and be demanding of your attention too.

Good foster parents are always in high demand. Being able to love unconditionally, patience and the ability to listen are top requirements, in my book. The rewards are many, when the right child and parents are matched up. And just remember, it’s ok to say ”no” to social workers who are overly anxious to place a child.

Wishing you pleasant journeys…….