Raising the Bar on Fatherhood

What I want to talk about is raising the bar on fatherhood. What I mean by this is raising our standards and expectations of fathers. This article is to share my sentiments and experience with both other children who grew up without their “father” in their life, and to the fathers out there now reading this.

Growing up, I had three different father figures in my life: my biological father, and two step-fathers. Each of them played a different and significant role. One might think that with this many father figures, I must have had all the male role modeling I needed. Although for whatever reason, none of these men ever felt like my “father”. I never formed any significant bond or relationship with these men. Now that I am a woman, I realize how much I have missed out on not having a father in my life. It has been difficult, but I have come to terms with knowing that I will never know what it is like to have a father. It is too late now.

Being a father is not a question of love, it is about the role you play in your child’s life. Your child could love you very much, and vice versa, but that does not mean your child is getting what they need from you.

It is so important that fathers take the opportunity to bond with their children. This bond can start from the moment they come into the world. This means taking paternity leave if it is available to you so your child becomes familiar with your touch and your voice. Your child is going to form a significant bond with you in the first years of their life. You should be helping to feed your child; change their diapers; tuck them in bed; or give them a bath. Not only is this your job, but these are the kinds of things that will help develop your relationship with your child.

Being a father is about spending time with your child and being interested in who they are. It means taking your child on outings, asking them how their day went, and comforting them when they are sad. It means not being afraid to express your feelings, and actually telling your child you love them instead of assuming they already know. It means not coming home only to sit on the couch and watch the television. It means not spending all your spare time outside the home with your friends. Get your child involved in your life. If you are working on a car, let them watch or find a way for them to help. If you are part of a sports team, take them to the games at times and maybe get them a ball cap. If you are not interested in what they do, get involved anyway. Sit through that piano lesson or go to that ballet class. This is your job as a father.

Who you are as a father is going to have a significant impact on your child and their future. You are a major role model for them in their life. For boys, you are going to role model for them the man they can become. If you are a loving and caring husband, chances are, your son will be too. If you are racist, degrade women, are rude to people in general, chances are, your son might become this too. If you often yell at your child, hit your wife or call her names, your son learns this and this becomes what is normal to him.

For your little girls, you will role model in different ways. You will be a significant influence in her life in general, so many of the same things apply. If you are respectful towards others, she is more likely to be as well. If you disrespect women, degrade them, etc. then she may begin to learn that she should expect that from men and that this is ok. If you call your wife names or hit her, your daughter will be more likely to tolerate this in her own relationships. You are going to set a standard for the type of man your daughter will date or marry. A good question to ask yourself is would you want your daughter to marry a man like you? Would you want her to be treated the same way you treat your girlfriend or wife?

If you are separated from the mother of your child, that does not mean you cannot still be the father she needs in her life. Being that father means remembering birthdays and important events. It means that even if you cannot see her that week, you call her and find out what is going on in her life. It means making sure there is time to spend with your child as regularly as you can.

Separating from the mother of your child does not absolve you of responsibility. You are still that child’s father. You are every bit as important as the mother, but only if you choose to be. You are still the person who is equally responsible for having brought this child into the world, and now you are equally responsible for raising this child in whatever ways you can. I have seen too many children neglected by their fathers, both financially and emotionally, simply because their children live with their mother. Most children will interpret their father not being involved in the life as result of not being cared for. Most children are often not capable of understanding that this is not about them, but about the father. They turn the blame inwards and may take this out physically, or turn it in and become depressed. I have seen children’s hearts break when fathers promise to see their children and do not show up.

Financially, it is alarming at how many fathers try to escape child support. Whether you are in the child’s life or not, you are responsible. I have seen fathers try and “work under the table” or purposely take a job which pays very low simply to avoid financially supporting their child. It is as if they perceive paying child support as their ex “winning”. Their own bitterness and selfishness get higher priority over ensuring their child is taken care of.

For the average father paying child support, what you are ordered to pay is only a drop in the bucket compared to the costs of raising a child. If your fear is that your ex will spend the money on herself or go on a shopping spree, you can lay that fear to rest. If you are not paying child support as a way of punishing your ex for leaving, you should be ashamed of yourself.

No child support can mean your child goes without gifts at Christmas or for their birthday, or not being able to eat a healthy meal or wear proper clothing. Children are often forced to live in bad neighborhoods because mom cannot afford housing somewhere safe. Living in unsafe neighborhoods increases your child’s chance of falling victim to violence, committing crimes themselves, or getting involved with drugs or gangs. Many unsupported mothers often cannot afford babysitters so they can go to work, which often results in leaving their young children at home to baby-sit each other. It is estimated that the average cost of raising a child today until the age of 18 is $1018 a month. Compare this cost to what you pay in child support.

When I look at my past I realize that I cannot change it, but what I can do is try to ensure that the man I choose will be the father our children need him to be. I know that the man I am going to marry is a caring and supportive man. I know that he is not afraid to show his feelings and will invest in a child. I have watched my partner with children. He plays with them, tends to their needs, and is not afraid to be affectionate towards them. It brings tears to my eyes to see a man I know will be able to give our children something I never had.

Ask yourself, what kind of father you want to be, and what kind of father does your child deserve? Being a true father can be a challenge. It may force you to challenge your own perception of fatherhood. It may mean sacrificing more or investing more time and effort into your child as oppose to yourself. You may also need to step out of your comfort zone, and raise your child in a way that is different from the way you know. For the fathers and step-fathers who raise the bar, I applaud you. Never be fooled by the impact you make in your child’s life, and never underestimate.