Mom and Dad are Parents, Not Friends

Do you remember a time when your mom or dad said “You’ll thank me someday.”? Do you look back on that now, thinking they were right, and you actually are thankful for the lessons they taught you?

Do you remember a time when you said to yourself that you would not be like your parents, that you would do everything different and be the cool parent that all your child’s friends loved? Yet now that you are a parent you notice how much like your own mom or dad you’ve become, and now you’re actually proud to be like them?

Unfortunately in this day in age, many parents are too busy trying to be liked by their children, that they’re forgetting to be a parent. Society is getting worse and worse because parents are trying harder and harder to be cool and liked. No parent ever wants to hear their child say “I hate you”, no parent wants to make their child angry with them, unfortunatly that is sometimes a side effect of being a parent, especially as the children get older.

My children get angry with me quite often. I don’t let them do everything their friends do. I don’t give them every new technology their friends own. Sometimes I make my kids wear hand me downs and second hand clothes. I punish them and lecture them. I make them eat their vegetables at supper, no matter how much they don’t want to.

At the end of the day I sit back and smile. My children are not spoiled brats, and for the most part they’re well behaved. I am complimented by neighbors and strangers on the good behavior of my children. I know that by being a mean mom on occasion, I’m raising my children right!

Unfortunatly, I had to learn my lesson the hard way. While most people wanted to be the opposite of their parents so they could be cooler, I wanted to be the opposite of my mom to be better. See my mother was one of those who tried to be a cool mom.

My childhood is a bit complicated. I have a mother, but I only spent half my time with her. I had another woman in my life, a second mom if you will. Her name was Carol. I won’t try to explain why Carol was in my life, that’s really not important. What is important is the trials I went through as a teenager.

At the age of 12 I chose to live with Carol full time.  It wasn’t always pleasant. Carol was very strict. She insisted I get good grades in school. She insisted on knowing everything about anyone I was spending time with. She insisted on me doing chores every weekend, and would nag me until they were finished. She would frequently lecture me for one thing or another.

Then one night when I was 16 years old I spent the night at my mother’s house. From there I called this older man that I barely knew, I had just met him really. He was a good looking man, and he was a professional athlete. I was infatuated. He had invited me over to visit him. He was 24 years old. My mother, knowing all of these details, gave me permission to go.

The next day I ended up moving back in with my mother full time. A month later there was a new man, also much older, this time he was 32, I was still only 16. Again my mother gave me permission. Not too long after that was the day I called my mother at work to tell her I was pregnant. Her response: “Yay, I’m going to be a grandma!”.  I had my son the day after my 17th birthday. I then dropped out of school, and did some illegal things to earn money so that I would have all the free time I wanted. I was promiscuous, and my mother never had a problem with any of the men I invited into my house, which was usually a different guy each time.

Before I was of legal drinking age, it was my mother who bought alcohol for me and my friends to drink. My own mother once woke me up at around 9am to ask if I wanted to smoke weed with her. Not to mention she was the one supplying my cigarettes when I was only 14 years old… although when Carol found out that I was smoking she told me she’d rip my face off if she ever caught me again.

I grew up and matured, grew out of my old ways. I got married to a good man, and had more children. Then I saw first hand what my mother was doing to my younger siblings. My brother is 9 years younger than me. By the time he was around 15 years old, my mother had gone blind and quit working. She was living off welfare and disability. Each month my brother would want a brand new video game system that my mother couldn’t afford. She’d buy it for him anyways. Sometime later he’d end up selling it to buy food and cigarettes for them, but until then my mother would beg, steal, and borrow from anyone she could in order to feed them and buy them both cigarettes.

One time my mother came into a decent lump of money. In order to ensure my brother wouldn’t spend it, she gave the money to me. I used it to buy clothing for my brother and sister, and groceries for all of them. I asked my mother why she wouldn’t just say no to my brother, she said because she couldn’t. I’m not sure why, she didn’t elaborate.

Eventually I had to cut ties with my mother, for many reasons, one of which was because I could not afford to continue to loan her money. While trying to raise my own family I had to support her and my siblings as well because she couldn’t just say no to my brother’s every whim. Now my sister is around 14 years old, and I wonder what sort of mess she is in. I had a dream one night that she was pregnant, smoking cigarettes and weed, and drinking alcohol. Knowing my mother, I wouldn’t be surprised if my dream were true.

My life is good now. I have a loving husband and five healthy, happy children. There are times when it is difficult, especially financially. I never went back to school. I got my GED, but no college education. My husband also does not have a college education. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I not spent that one night at my mother’s. I wonder where I would be had I stayed with Carol. I’m sure I would have finished high school, and probably gone on to college, even if it was just community college. At least I would probably be better off financially.

I try not to have regrets. I know everything in my life happened for a reason. I’m happy with where I am. I love my husband and my children, and wouldn’t change that aspect of my life for all the money in the world. But the road to get here was a long one. There are many things I’ve done that I’m not proud of. I don’t like to look back on some of the mistakes I’ve made. I also don’t believe I would be the person that I am if it weren’t for Carol. She was truly the person who taught me right from wrong. Although I ignored many of the things I’d learned from her for many years, today I appreciate the lessons she taught me, and I’m trying to teach those lessons to my children. I’m proud that I’m more like her than my mother. I have hopes that my children will not have as difficult of a future as I did in the past.

For all the times Carol said “You’ll thank me someday”… Thank You Carol! I know that Carol is proud of me today. I was lucky enough to have reconnected with her when I was 20 years old, at which point I was just beginning to get my life on track. She was there when I married my husband, and she met 4 of my 5 children. Unfortunatly she died in 2007 and never got to meet my youngest. I miss her terribly.

Oddly enough, I haven’t spoken to my mother since 2003, and I haven’t missed her once.

I hope my story can be a lesson to some parents out there, or even some teenagers. Our parents are strict, and occasionally harsh because they love us and they want what’s best for us. Dealing with punishments and restrictions as a teenager can be trying, but what you want isn’t always what’s best for you. Respect your parent’s wishes, and thank them for caring enough about you to not give in to your every whim.