Listening to Our Children

As a former teacher, and a parent to a beautiful child, I have often found that the greatest difficulties we have in life involve listening to children.

Whether it is because we believe they are too young to be able to speak with any sort of realism or justification, or if it is simply because we do not have the time – what ever the reason – our children need us to listen. Our children deserve to have us listen.

My child is full of ideas and questions that really do impact how she sees the world. When I take the time to stop and listen, I learn so much about her and humanity today. They say that the view of the world through the eyes of a child is full of wonder and delight. I agree to some extent. However, there is also often questioning and hurt when you take the time to listen.

My daughter still sees wonder in a rainbow and thinks if we just took the time we could find the leprechaun’s gold and take a trip to Disneyland. She feels hurt when she sees someone be mean to another human being – whether she knows the person or not. She loves to tell stories and sing songs, ask questions, and tell people exactly what she thinks about everything.

Here are my thoughts on listening to children and some tips too.

Don’t ever brush off something that a child says. They may not have the vocabulary to tell you exactly what they want you to understand, but they are very sure about what they want to say. If you listen for small clues in their speech, and ask questions to get more details, you will learn plenty about the child and the information they are trying to give you.

Be patient. The story your child is telling you says so much. It says they listen when you tell stories and want to be like you, so they are in turn retelling the stories. It may let you in on some little part of his or her imaginative play. It may tell you about the child’s hopes or worries. Life is full and busy. We don’t always have time to listen to the little stories our children tell day to day. But it is so much more than a story – so grab a seat and listen up.

Ask questions. I have plenty of friends who ask the typical “what did you do at school today?” question whenever their children arrive back home. The typical answer involves the words nothing, stuff, or I don’t know. Perhaps as parents, we should change the questions we ask. What special activity did you do today? What was your favorite part of table time? What objects did you use during math? What game did you play at recess? What did your teacher say about….? At first the questions may seem odd, and your children will probably look at you as if you are crazy – and you may even get that typical eye roll some children have mastered. More than likely however, if you keep it up and ask questions daily, you will find yourself in a situation where the child will tell you each and everything they did, why they did it, how they did it, and what they plan on doing now. My daughter feels like I really care about her and her day and it is because of my asking questions. But be careful, do not ask questions in such a way that your children feel you are snooping. If they really feel you care about them and their day and are not prying for information, they will come to you to talk. More importantly though, because we have built up this intimate sort of communication and we practice it daily, my child feels comfortable talking about so much more. She knows that I want to hear what she has to say and she will come to me with questions of her own, and with problems. Starting communication young, and working at keeping communication lines open, will help your relationship with your child in the years to come.

Respect your child’s feelings. That fight with his or her little friends may seem like nothing to you. That’s because we know life goes on. Telling your child that will not make them feel like you are really listening and caring about what they have to say. Ask them what happened. Ask how it made them feel. Make sure you also ask them how they think it made their friend feel. Don’t give your child the answer; give them guidance to find the answer on their own. If they cannot figure it out, then help directly. Never say “oh, I’m sure you’ll work it out” and leave it at that. They are learning about relationships and friend dynamics and the best resource they have is you.

Stop what you are doing. The dishes are dirty, the food needs to be put away, the laundry needs folding, you need to run to the bank and the store and the post office, and you need to be at that meeting in one hour. Your child comes to you in the middle of chaos and chooses that time to talk. So stop what you are doing. Children need to know that they are high on the priority list. Ask they get older, you may say “I am very interested in what you have to say and really want to hear it. Will you help me with the dishes so we can talk while we work together?” Or, you could tell them that you want to be able to focus on what they are saying and therefore need to set out a special time to talk with them – decide on the time then and there and stick to it. When your children are younger, these types of actions will not work. They are learning as they grow how to set their priorities and they are learning this lesson mostly from their parents. Make your children a priority and drop what you are doing to give them your full attention. It will take practice for you to be able to do this. But the lessons they learn from it are so important to their development. They learn they are important to you. They learn that family is important. They learn that people you are talking to deserve your full attention. They learn so much about interpersonal dynamics from simple communication with parents.

Listen more than you talk. Your teenager just came in slamming the door. They are speaking their mind and you interrupt. It may be to tell them to lower their voice, or get ready for dinner, or to start their homework, etc. But what did you miss? Maybe your child is hurting inside because of a fight and they just need someone to listen and hear what they have to say. Maybe they have a problem they need to bounce solutions to off of you. Maybe there is a real dire situation that you will never hear about because you did not listen. Listen to your children. Listen without judging and you will learn more about them then you ever would by telling them consistently what to do.

Children do need direction. But a child who does not feel respected and listened to, will not respect or listen to the adults around them. It takes giving respect to get respect and it takes teaching the children how to listen – by example – in order to get them to take the time to listen in return to you.

Childhood is so short. Parents only have a small window of time to build an open-communication relationship with their child that will last a lifetime. 18 years may not seem small to many people, but in the grand scheme of things, if you don’t teach your child that communication and listening are important, they will not teach their children and the cycle of non-communication will continue.