Life with Kids: Never Let Them Say No

After surviving the trenches of motherhood for twenty three years, I learned a few parenting tricks.

A rule of thumb_ Never let them say no.

Have you ever asked your kid to tie his shoe and he tells you no? Then you ask him again and he says no again? You’re limiting your options and setting up a battlefield. You’re engaged in a power struggle and nobody wins. Does this sound familiar to you?

I know eventually you got your kid to tie his shoes. How long did it take and was it worth the fight? What if I explained a simple parenting skill and you could skip all the fuss?

Let me show you using a real life situation.

Yesterday Teresa, a young mom, visited me bringing her four year old son, Anthony, After visiting for awhile I recognized a pattern of confused parenting. My mom instincts told me Teresa used a combination of threats, apologies and pleas to control her son’s behaviour. I felt the presence of NO.

I have an internal warning system my kids refer to as the mommy alarm. When trouble’s around, the alarm rings. When it was time to go home, my mommy alarm buzzed. I’m no psychic. but I do understand kids. Knowing Teresa’s style of parenting_ I braced for the worst.

Teresa gave Anthony the opportunity to say NO. _ “Anthony, it’s time to go home.”

My mommy alarm rang in earnest. The battle of NO would fill my living room within minutes.

Anthony_ “No. I don’t want to go home. I want to stay here.” ( no surprise there.)

Teresa responded_ “No Anthony, it’s time to go.” Anthony repeated_ “I don’t want to go home. I want to stay here.”

The room filled with enough NO to drown me.

Desperate for cooperation, Teresa tried apologizing to her son. Oh, big mistake I thought.

Teresa firmed her voice and apologized_ “I’m sorry we have to go Anthony, but it’s time to leave.” Anthony looked away from his mom. Not good.

Teresa apologized again and Anthony snuggled down in the sofa ignoring his mom. Teresa opened her mouth and I jumped in.

I’m no nanny 991 but I didn’t want to listen to the inevitable end. I imagined Teresa snatching her son and plunking him screaming into his car seat. This method produces results but what a fuss!

Engaging my mommy skills; I took control. With four simple actions and a final dose of praise_ Anthony was on his way home. How did I diffuse the situation? I started by ignoring Anthony’s fussing. I wanted Anthony to go home and I needed his cooperation. I spun my mommy magic.

Reversing the negativity of NO, I asked Anthony a leading “yes” question.

“Anthony do you have a car seat in the car?” Anthony declared with excitement_ “Yes, I have a car seat.”

Game over. I won. I only needed one yes to get things moving in the right direction. (out the door and into the car) I smiled watching Anthony’s tantrum fade into cooperation.

“I’d like to see your car seat Anthony, will you show it to me?“

Off to the car Anthony raced, opening the car door and pointing out his car seat. I asked another leading yes question.

“I see your car seat. It’s very nice. _ Can you climb in your car seat and show me how you fit in there?” Anthony jumped in. I love a cooperative child.

“Anthony, can you buckle your own seatbelt?“ Anthony locked his seatbelt with ease.

“Anthony you’re so smart. You buckled yourself in so fast! I’m very proud of you.” I hugged him and told him_ “Okay, you’re off to go home now. I liked playing with you and I can’t wait for you to visit me again.”

Anthony rode away smiling in his car seat. Teresa never said thank you. I guess she didn’t like my interference. Good, maybe she won’t come over again.

Every successful mom knows that kids want to please their parents. Catch your kid doing something good and praise him. A simple “I like it when you tie your shoes.” is enough.

The joy of earning your loving words losing meaning if you overdo it.

Congratulations on your new parenting skills. Now go and love your kids without the word no.