How to Raise a Well Behaved Child

Having a well behaved child starts with the parents. Children aren’t born bad, they learn it from their environment and surroundings. An active and attentive parent, who sets good examples, and enforces the child’s boundaries is all the child needs to make good choices in life.

The first step to having a well behaved child is to spend time with him or her. Many children were act out or misbehave just to get attention, because they learn that the only attention they get is negative, and that beats no attention at all. By spending time with your child, you’re giving them their much needed attention, as well as keeping them busy and out of trouble for that moment.

It isn’t difficult to spend time with your child. You can just talk to them for a few minutes every day, with no interruptions, even if they have nothing to say. Ask about their day, what happened in school. This way you’ll learn about their life and the things they’re doing when you aren’t there. Be careful not to be judgemental. If you’re too harsh or judgemental they will refrain from telling you things in the future. You want to encourage open and honest conversation by making yourself a safe zone when it comes to problems. If you must correct actions, do not do it in an angry way. Explain calmly that what they did was a bad choice, and tell them what you expect of them in the future.

Younger children will tend to be more behaved if their schedule is structured. Too much free time leads to boredom, which leads to mischief. All children need a bit of free time to run wild and be themselves, but during the times they’re unable to run wild, you should have structured activities for them to partake in, such as coloring, reading, arts and crafts, or doing chores. Set a time limit for each activity, and allow them a few minutes break in between so they can stretch or play on their own.

Structure, stability, and attentive parents isn’t always enough to keep children well behaved. They need proper discipline as well. Children must learn there is a concequence for every action. Parents often give the wrong concequence, or inconsistent concequences, thus teaching the child that they can get away with misbehaving.

In order to properly discipline, you must first learn to properly praise. When a child is praised they feel an overwhelming sense of pride, and will strive to continue to recieve praise from their parents. Praise does not have to come in the form of a reward, just a few affectionate words from mom or dad is enough for most children. When you see your child playing quietly on the floor with their cars, trucks or dolls, you can say “Look how nicely and quietly you’re playing, good job!” This will encourage quiet indoor play.

A child who is constantly contradicted and scorned without being praised will assume they can never do anything right, and won’t strive to be a behaved child. So praise is highly important. But that doesn’t mean scorn should be thrown out the window. Children also need to know when they’ve done wrong. The problem with scorn and punishments is that it’s often improperly used. Parents must learn to pick their battles. Certain misbehaviors should be overlooked. Often times it’s just a child acting their age. You must learn what to expect from your particular child. A 5 year old child most likely isn’t going to clean their room the way you would, and you can’t expect them to. Punishing that child for not cleaning correctly is unrealistic. No amount of scorn or punishment will get the child to clean properly if they are not capable of it.

However if a 5 year old uses a swear word or does something dangerous, this can be punished. Even if the child doesn’t know it’s wrong, being scorned will teach them that it is not acceptable behavior.

Which brings me to my next point, making sure the punishment fits the crime. Discipline should be looked at as a teaching method. Children don’t automatically know right from wrong, they need to be taught from their parents. If your five year old uses a swear word without realizing it’s wrong, they should be taught that it’s wrong firmly with kind words. “That is a very bad word and should never be used!” A swear word is not immediate call for soap in the mouth or a spanking or loss of desserts. Unless the child is older and already knows the word is wrong, in which case the punishment can be a bit more harsh, such as a loss of a priveledge.

Your child must know to expect the punishment he or she will recieve, if it is a harsher one. A child who does not understand that what they did was wrong should not recieve an extreme or harsh punishment, but a child who has been told that their behavior was inappropriate, yet continued to behave that way can get a harsher punishment. Warnings should be given, but not too many, three should be plenty.

Set limits on your punishments. Telling a child they’ve lost television priveledges “until you learn to show respect” means very little to a child. That could take 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years in the eyes of a child. Instead they should lose the priveledge for a specific amount of time, like 24 hours, at which time they can have it back.

Remember that younger children have a shorter attention span. If you take away a particular priveledge for too long, they will eventually forget what they’re being punished for, they may even forget that they’re even being punished. Punishments must fit the child’s age. Taking television away from a 5 year old for a whole week, regardless of their actions causing the punishment, is a bit too harsh. The child cannot comprehend that sort of punishment and it will not have an affect on them. You must dole an age appropriate punishment for a specific amount of time to have the best affect on the child.

Here is a list of appropriate punishments for most age groups, you can choose which punishment best fits the crime:

Firm Words- The only punishment a toddler needs, the first punishment for any other age group

Time Out- Use sparingly under 5 years old, but can be used at all ages above 5. Time spent in Time Out should be 1 minute per year, for instance, a 5 year old spends 5 minutes in Time Out.

Loss of a toy- works for children around the age of 5 and up. Set an amount of time the toy is lost for, minutes, hours, or a day.

Loss of a priveledge- can work as young as 5, but time limit should fit the age. A 5 year old should only lose a few minutes to an hour of a priveledge, while a 10 year old can lose a whole day to even a whole weekend. Teenagers can lose up to a whole week.

Be consistent with your punishments. If you let the behavior slide once, without even so much as a warning, you’re sending mixed signals to your child. They will then continue the bad behavior, looking for their next opportunity to get away with it. They may also try other bad behaviors to see if you’ll allow them to slide or not. Children are constantly testing their boundaries, so setting specific limits and enforcing punishments is the best way to teach your children what is expected of them.

If you’ve been having the same problems with your child for an extended period of time, you may want to examine the way you’ve disciplined them for that action. Perhaps there have been times you ignored it for whatever reason, perhaps you gave them inconsistant punishments for that behavior. There are many reasons a child may continue a behavior, either they aren’t getting the correct punishment, or the punishment is not consistant.

Be careful not to dole out punishments in anger. If you’re angry you’re more likely to give a punishment that you’ll later think is too harsh. After you’ve calmed down you may end up changing the punishment to one more suitable, or letting them off the hook completely. This is also teaching the child inconsistancy. They will not respect their punishments because they believe you’ll let them off the hook eventually. If their actions have caused you to be angry, stressed, or frustrated, give yourself and the child a time out until you can rethink the matter and give the appropriate punishment. Once you’re ready to punish the child, remind them what they did that was wrong, and why they’re being punished.

Remember discipline is not easy, and children aren’t going to like being punished, but that’s the whole point. If they don’t like the punishment, they’ll learn to avoid the actions that got them punished in the first place. It’s hard on a parent to give punishments because they feel guilty, but remember that you are doing what’s best for your child. As an adult there are going to be negative concequences to their bad choices and actions, so it’s best for them to learn this at a young age by a person who loves them. Teaching them the difference between right and wrong, and how to take responsiblity for their actions is crucial in developing a well rounded, law abiding, adult.

I’m a mom of five happy, healthy, well rounded children. I often recieve compliments from complete strangers on the behavior of my children. If these discipline tips work on my 5 children, each with a different personality, then they’ll work for your child!