How to Cope with Grief

If you have recently suffered the loss of a loved one, this article is for you.

The choice not to grieve, is unfortunately, not ours to make. No matter how wealthy, famous or happy we are, grief will hit us squarely in the face many times during the course of our lives.

As we get older, we’re bound to lose people who’ve meant a great deal to us for a very long time. The first of these people to go are usually our parents. How do we cope with this loss and rebuild our lives while nurturing this immense pain inside our hearts? Here are some workable suggestions.

Last year when I received a phone call in the middle of the night informing me that my 64-year-old mother had been mowed down in the street and killed, my ability to function barricaded itself in a secret compartment somewhere in the depths of my mind.

Having 3 small children whose lives I wanted to continue as routinely as was possible under the circumstances, I had to be able to pick myself up and function despite my grief. I had to quickly teach myself ways to cope in order to emerge the other side of disaster with a measure of sanity still intact.

Give yourself a few days to pine

image source

No matter how alone we think we are, at the time of tragedy or death (or both at the same time) there will always be people around to take over for a while. Even if we have no siblings or close relatives at hand, there’s always the neighbours, work colleagues, church members, kids friends’ parents, in-laws (ex or not), who will selflessly rush to our aid.

They may not be able to take on our responsibilities for an indefinite period, but will do their best at least for the first few days that follow. Allow them to take over, because in your state of shock, they can function a hundred times better than you could. They’ll also be able to remain strong and objective enough to push their weight to get vital tasks accomplished, things you may not be able to get done, even under normal circumstances. Let them have the kids, do the shopping, get food, make the necessary arrangements etc., and give yourself the time to cry, not wash, look at pictures, scream or whatever it takes. Do not feel guilty for doing this, because not allowing yourself this necessary time to get over your initial shock is very bad for your future peace of mind and mental health.

Surround yourself with loved ones/friends

image source

After these few days, you may still feel like being alone, but it is necessary to gently push yourself into re-introducing your loved ones back into your presence. You’ll feel guilty about laughing, smiling, talking (about anything except the one who’s lost), and even eating. This is all absolutely normal, but you’ve got to work past it and remember that even though one of the people you loved is gone, there are still many loved ones alive and right there next to you.

The one who is gone does not need you anymore and never will again, but the people around you do. Help yourself feel better by allowing yourself to show them love. Play a card game with them, have a meal, go for a walk, and you may even find something to smile about. I did, even though I felt guilty after every one. I felt like I was betraying my dead mother by smiling while she was lying in a cold locker.

In my grief I’d forgotten that the body lying in the morgue was not my mother anymore – it was just that – a body. My mother was the live person with a soul who I went to the cinema with, and who loved it when I did her hair.

That person, I later realised, would always be alive, so it was fine to smile, if only for that reason. The body left in the morgue would soon be buried, but the person I knew as my mother would always be alive in my heart.

I had to steel myself to remember that the tiny joys I allowed myself with my kids, had all to do with my relationship with them, and nothing to do with the relationship I had with my mother. I had to force myself to realise that when my kids made me laugh, they did it because they loved me and were hurting because I was sad. My smiles were not because my mother was dead, but because my kids were alive and needed me.

Take note that the person is dead

This sounds terribly silly and redundant. However, it is vital that we constantly remind ourselves that while we have to grieve our loss, that the person is now gone, and for good. No amount of self-blame or anger can bring that person back. Comfort yourself with the fact that when the person was alive that you were good to them. You spent time with them, you loved them and did all you could to take care of their needs. This is exactly what you were meant to do and precisely what they desired of you. They were happy with who and what you were to them and always counted their lives a blessing having had you in it. While they were alive, you were there. Now they’re dead, your life has been fulfilled knowing and loving them. This is the circle of life.

They are gone, so would we one day, and we will also leave our loved ones grieving our death. The important thing is that in life, we’ve fulfilled our duty to love that person. In death, we can do no more because that is the nature of life and the time has come to turnover.

Realize that death never changes the relationship we’ve had

image source

The memories we have of the person who’s now gone will always stay the same. If it changes, it becomes even more precious with time.

While we’ll always miss a loved one who’s died, sadness needn’t be an eternal presence in our hearts, because it is possible to find peace despite the heartache. Many times the reason we won’t let go of grief is because we fool ourselves into believing that the relationship we had with the loved one will be lost because they are.

We feel guilty because we think that letting go of the grief means that we’re letting go of the memories. This is absolutely not true. That relationship and the memories will always stay alive in our hearts, we just have to convince ourselves of this fact. A separation of bodies does not mean that memories fade. We live apart from many of our family members but this never stops us loving them. Similarly, being apart from a person who’s passed away does not lessen our fulfilment of having known and loved them. The memory of the departed will be kept alive, for as long as we remember them.

Talk about it

image source

When enough time has elapsed and life becomes somewhat normal again, spend time talking about your grief. Talk to anyone who would listen, or anyone who’s been through the same experience. Talking dulls the sharp edge of grief, and is a necessary process by which we would start to accept our loss. As the years go by, talking gets easier and the pain lessens. It is really important to understand that time indeed heals all wounds. Wait for it, and expect it to heal yours.

It should be the most natural thing to do, but when we’re faced with death, we forget to take refuge in the living.

We all must enter into the tunnel of grief at some point in our lives. While we spend a very important part of this process with a complete darkness in our soul, let’s be sure that when we emerge into the light, that we hold dear in our hearts how important it is to make time for those we love while we have them with us. If we make sure of this, the journey of grieving would be a much lighter burden to bear because in our hearts we would know that they died knowing fully well that we loved them. More importantly, we would be comforted by the fact that when it mattered (when they were alive) we fulfilled their expectations of us.

After all, if I had the choice between tenderness or tears, presents or a lavish casket, occasional flowers or expensive scented funeral ones, I would choose the former every time. Why do I care how much is lavished on me if I’m already dead and cannot enjoy them?

I hope that this article has helped you with coping in times of tragedy and grief. I know that the steps I’ve shared here with you, are the ones which helped me tremendously.