How to Accept Your Newlywed In-laws Into Your Family (after Realizing You Don’t Like Them)

Perhaps you were kicking and screaming as somebody drug you to your loved one’s wedding. You may have begged your son, your daughter, your sibling, or your parent to cancel that wedding and recoup their senses – right up to the very minute before the big moment. But it didn’t happen your way. And with all your reservations, you are definitely entitled to your own opinion. But does that entitlement give you a right to use your opinion as a weapon against your new in-law?

My own experience marrying into a family of a different race and culture has developed my insight about in-law relations in a number of distinct ways. But without highlighting how the uniqueness of my interracial marriage impacts my in-law relations (which have developed lovingly and affectionately over several years), I would like to lean on what I, like many other married people, have learned first-hand. The most practical steps toward accepting into your family an outsider, who has married their way in and whom you do not like, include the following: soul-searching, willingness to relate to both your loved one and his or her new spouse, accepting their decision of matrimony as theirs only, establishing fair boundaries, maintaining your self-respect, and defining the purpose of your own life.

Soul-Searching

Soul-searching involves self-evaluation. And for a person who has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her Personal Savior, that self-evaluation occurs in light of scripture.

Many family members convince themselves that they don’t like their loved one’s new bride or groom enough to get along with them. A number of reasons can contribute as valid excuses in order to establish a cold distance from the in-law. If you can identify with these family members, can you make a few heart-wrenching points to yourself? “Okay. I don’t like this person, who married my kindred. Fine. But I also don’t like Suzie and Joe at my job. (All they deserve from me is a nasty glare.) And I don’t like Billy and Maggie at church. (If they say something to me, I’ll find a way to make them feel like breadcrumbs.) And I don’t like my neighbor down the street. (I say absolutely nothing to her.) And some of the women at the beauty shop don’t rub me the right way either. (I’m a better person than they are.) And if I never see Jane and Johnny from my past, it would still be too soon.” This may not be the case for all family members with in-law problems. But if you are someone who wrecks havoc on others or regularly criticizes others in the smallest similar way as illustrated, a marriage of which you disapprove is actually just another opportunity for you to operate a very cold part of your life.

Soul-searching, on the other hand, gives you an opportunity to recognize your imperfections (recognizing them as sin in prayer to Jesus Christ, Who is so willing to forgive the heart that genuinely asks). You don’t have to hang your head in shame and condemn yourself for your feelings. But don’t allow yourself to be so inclined to express dislike toward somebody because they don’t measure up to your standards.

But pray hard for wisdom and heart-cleansing in a case where perhaps someone, who contributed to your parents’ break-up through an extramarital affair, has married into your family as a result. There are cases where a devious person slithered their way into a family by successfully breaking up a previous marriage or by using blatant forces like drugs, gold-digging, or apparently manipulative sensuality. It’s so easy for us to conclude that these types of people don’t deserve our respect. But that’s where grace and wisdom step in. Grace is such an easy, peaceful, unearned reward for the recipient. But to the one giving the grace, it’s hard to develop. Only God can show us how to exercise grace and wisdom when confronted by the malicious motives of those who married our loved ones.

Empathizing With The Married Couple

Place yourself into the shoes of both the bride and the groom. Have you yourself ever been the target of someone’s disapproval? To the point where that oppressor’s opposition against your decisions or against even your character unjustly disrupts your peace? If so, did you ever imagine being able to compare your own actions and attitude with that of your oppressor?

Again, when trying to empathize with a devious person who has made their way into your family, remember that we all need forgiveness. All of us. You, as the family member keying in on the shortcomings of your loved one’s spouse, are not exempt from that need. No matter how undeserving of our forgiveness a person may seem, we’re still instructed in the gospel of St. Matthew in the 6th chapter to forgive if we want to be forgiven for our sins. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be firm toward a blatantly malicious in-law. Stand your ground and speak boldly about what is right. What is right – not what is profane or unfairly hurtful. And don’t be a bully.

   What is the ultimate objective of forgiving in-laws with questionable motives? So that you can make such a positive impact in their lives that they might actually be able to change. How can you reach out to a person with helpful advice about their lifestyle or motives if they themselves question whether your motives are sincere after experiencing your coldness? And of course, not all people change. But do all that you can do. As a Christian, do all that you can do under the authority and guidance of Jesus Christ. Change just may occur in that person whom you once saw as a wicked snake that sneaked in through the back door.

Accept The Fact That The Decision Is Not Yours

Unless you stop to soul-search and empathize with the new married couple, you won’t likely be able to accept the fact that the decision to marry was between them only. For some family members, that’s just too hard – to wake up one day and say, “Oh well. It’s *their* lives and *their* decision.” Although that saying is true, how can some of us mothers let go of our sons just by saying that? How can some fathers, children, siblings, or other family members let go?

As a mother of three sons, I would love to hand-pick the women I think are best for my boys. My prayer and my earnest desire is that they marry women who love and live for Jesus Christ with all their hearts. But I am subject to the difficult task of placing my preference into the hands of Almighty God, whose will is definitely that they marry in their faith of Jesus Christ. I have to pray that my sons make wise choices.

The choice to marry and to whom my son’s marry is not mine to make. That is a hard realization for me. (I may even need to reflect back on my own article if the time of their interest in marrying ever presents itself. I’m not trying to be hypocritical.) But if I try to *force* my sons to love someone whom they cannot love or to deny their love for someone of whom I disapprove, the results can cause misery for them anyway – even to the point of complete defiance. Do I want that?

Am I to keep my silence and never express disapproval to my own loved ones? No. There is a tactful and wise way to express a point. That point can actually be effective. But sometimes it produces absolutely no results. The risk is yours to take. But how you choose to take the risk of expressing your views – using wise, non-domineering words – may prove to be successful.

Nevertheless, just as you have your own life which you make decisions about, your loved one’s life was given to him or her after a certain age to live based on the values that were taught.

Set Fair Boundaries

Growing up, I’ve seen all of my grandparents treat their in-laws, married to their children, with respect for the most part. One of my grandmothers has made some firm boundaries that apply to the in-laws just like they apply to anybody else. She adamantly allows absolutely no alcohol and no smoking in her house. She must have realized a long time ago that just because you love and respect someone (blood-kin or in-law) does not mean that you have to compromise your values in their company. My grandmother does not agonize over anybody’s habits like cigarette smoking. She does not make a fuss about it at anyone else’s home. But at *her* house, she lays down some ground rules.

For those in-laws who are getting to know you, make known to them your rules that you may have always enforced on your own territory so that you won’t have to find yourself exploding with a build-up of issues that may irritate you. If a new brother-in-law just married your sister and he likes to smoke cigarettes, point him to the nearest smoking area outside your home if you never allow smoke in your house. If he curses like a sailor, point him outside the door to go curse if you don’t permit it in your house. And be very vocal if he wants to bring a pornographic dvd to watch at your house. When making your boundaries known, you can communicate that these boundaries apply to all. In doing so, you are not alienating your new in-law.

Boundaries must be realistic. Some people have been known to not let certain in-laws step one foot inside their homes – for any number of reasons ranging from small, seemingly innocent to great. At any point, if you establish a boundary to this extent by making an in-law feel unwelcome in your home, you might as well never expect them to ever feel completely welcome again even after you finally open the door to them. At this point, expect short, cordial, distant visits from them and don’t become offended by their reservation.

Remember that you set a very long-lasting tone by alienating a new in-law in any number of ways. If you’ve finally opened your home to an in-law whom you had not allowed in for a period of time, be patient with time and healing that may not completely manifest up to your standards. This is incredibly important where children are involved. Families need time with the children of their trees. But an in-law who married into a family that made him or her feel like an outsider might not feel so eager to prioritize the home that was once off-limits – especially during holidays when family members elsewhere issue out invitations.

Boundaries should always be balance – firmly established in certain areas while open and welcoming in others. And remember to respect the boundaries of your in-laws as well.

Maintaining Your Self-Respect

Many times we view self-respect when it is personified through someone’s disposition, reaction to circumstances, or even appearance. But what about when no one is watching and when everyone is unaware of your motives? Family members, who don’t like their in-laws, can easily develop special sly skills that can instigate problems for the targeted married couple.

There will be opportunities to impose on the couple’s quality time and on their plans. There will be opportunities to consume your loved one’s time until well past midnight. There will be opportunities to make plans on a special occasion to detour your loved one from the plans his or her spouse may have first implemented at the same time.  One weekday evening I came home from work on my 6-year old child’s birthday only to find that I had walked through the door as a guest for a party that had already been planned without my knowledge, let alone my involvement. But the party arrangement itself did not offend me the way the gloating did.

A scheming family member can be just as clever as a devious in-law who married into the family. Slickness is a true skill, and it is perfected over time. It starts by studying the target. Usually the target for a slick family member is their own loved one in the marriage. Studying and relying on prior knowledge about that loved one’s vulnerabilities like emotional attachments within the family, gullibility, and other weaknesses can empower you over that new spouse. And that power can cause you to smirk inwardly. It can cause you to gloat over who you think your adversary is – that in-law. But look out! Your true adversary is a busy, invisible devil who organizes deliveries into the mind as well as into other areas. As you empower yourself, you also empower your own consequences. Remember that scripture tells us in Galatians 5th chapter: “Whatever a person sows, that is what the person will reap.”

So, if you respect yourself too much to stoop to certain levels, maintain that self-respect when no one except the LORD Himself is aware of your motives. Keep a clean heart – a clear conscience.

Defining The Purpose In Your Own Life

Finally, there is a purpose for your life – your very own life. This means you don’t have to preoccupy yourself with the marriage of your loved one unless there is drama that calls for outside attention. Take some time to define your purpose. It is found in scripture. Read your Bible. There are other books to read such as What Matters Most (Understanding God Series) and The Purpose Driven Life. And if you feel betrayed for any reason by the marriage between your loved one and his or her new spouse, you can find the book addressing family and friendship betrayals entitled, Just When You THOUGHT They Were Your Friends.

Defining your purpose, you may find yourself feeling more fulfilled and thus more able to cultivate good relationships – yes, even in-law relationships.