Disciplining Your Kids

Why do parents make such a big deal out of getting their kids to do the right thing…..disciplining your children does not have to be SO HARD.  Getting your kids to “tow the line” is more about consistency and following through than spankings or raising your hands.  Having raised 4 sons I am tired of hearing people saying (when THEIR boys act up) “oh boys will be boys”…..are you kidding me?  Or here’s another one….”it’s just a phase”. 

Here’s what I say….”If you can’t control your 3 year old, good luck controlling him when he’s 15 and stealing your car keys.  I walk through the grocery store and hear kids screaming, I hear parents making comments like “cut it out or I will break your arm”….or a mother telling a child “NO” a thousand times …”NO you can’t have a pack of Oreos, but twenty minutes later I am behind them in line and there is the child holding onto a package of those Chocolate  Double Stuff cookies (one of my favorites from Nabisco)  My point is this…we (parents) are so driven to be “friends” with our kids that we fall short on being the parent.  BIG MISTAKE

There is a lifetime to become friends with your children (when they grow up) but while your youngsters are learning the rules of life it is YOUR job to guide the way.

The key to discipline is to follow a few simple rules.  First, start young.  Babies know the word “NO” and they know your tone.  If they are reaching for your cup of coffee, a firm “NO” or “HOT” and a stern face will get a reaction.  It might take 50 “NO’S” at that age, but eventually they WILL get it.  The next part of the process is follow through.  If you warn a kid and threaten to take action you MUST follow through (now action can not be harmful….again, do not threaten with I’ll Break Your Arm” because you CAN NOT follow through).   I am a big believer in modifying the punishment to the child.  Not all punishments work on all kids.  With my four I was driven to find their “Achilles Heel”….in other words, what would get through to THAT child.

With my oldest boy it was Baseball.  If he misbehaved I would warn him that he could not go to practice (or his T-ball game) if he did “it” (whatever IT was).  I did not care (as most parents do) that I would be “hurting” the rest of the team by keeping him home.  Honestly, I am not raising the rest of the team, I am raising HIM….he missed a total of 2 practices and 1 game in all his childhood years….lots of tears of course and many “I hate you’” (his words to me)…but he got “it” that I was not going to be talked back too or would not allow him to lie without consequences.  He knew I meant business and I always followed through without ever having to raise my hand.

My second child was a miser.  He saved his allowance and birthday money and turned the sofa cushions over weekly to look for coins.  He loved to save up money to buy action figures.  SO….his Achilles Heel was money. If he sassed me (fresh mouth) I would charge him $1.00…if he gave me “lip” about my charging him, it would cost him another buck.  Believe me, he learned real fast to watch his tongue.

What I am saying is you don’t have to hit your kids to “win” the battle….you just have to lay out the rules, the consequences, the punishment, then follow though NO MATTER WHAT.  My boys grew up knowing that I was always fair.  I always gave them the rules ahead of time, whether it was a trip to the Mall or curfew or having friends over for playtime.  I would say “these are the rules” and “this will be the punishment if you don’t follow the rules”.  The end result is that the boys grew into men knowing that society has rules and consequences as well. 

I choose battles carefully.  Kids do need to be allowed to be kids.  I did not run a prison camp.  I did not have firm rules for every moment of their lives.  I didn’t have to win every war but I did want my sons to have a great childhood while at the same time learn that the world did not revolve around them. 

Time-outs are a great tool so long as the “sentence” is not in their bedroom with a TV, Game Boy, Computer and X-Box.  Time out should be more of a solitary confinement than a luxury hotel.  DOING chores is another great tool instead of taking stuff away.  For example, instead of taking away Baseball or TV you could make them cut the grass (depending on age) or fold laundry or vacuum….you set the rules that will work for you.

In closing I can’t stress enough that you MUST have communication in this process to be successful.  You can not be a Dictator.  You need to set the rules, then ask them to repeat the rules so you are sure they understand what you are expecting of them.  When they break the rules (if possible) give them a warning first so they get the message.  THEN…if they repeat the offence, follow through with the pre-determined punishment. Afterwards ask them to tell you why they got punished to be sure they KNOW why things played out the way they did.

If you have any questions on how to raise “good” kids (who by the way….DO like you in the end) I would be happy to give you my thoughts and ideas (not that I am Dr Phil or anything) Today my parenting is just about over (I still DO parent the 19 yr olds from time to time) but I am finally “allowed” to be friends with the adult kids.  I don’t take away Baseball or charge punishment fees but still do tell them when I am disappointed in something they say or do.  They just smile and say “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Mom”.

Once a Mom, always a Mom.

Good luck