Coping with Life and Death as a Care Giver

A death of someone close to you–or caring for someone close to you with a terminal illness or a family member who isn’t able to care for themselves because of age, etc.–is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Typically, we like to shut the world out and ask why this had to happen. You are not alone if you think that way. It’s normal. Dealing with this type of stress is very hard since these things are usually beyond our control or at least that’s what it seems like. We feel like the pain will never end.

It doesn’t really end, it just gets less painful as time goes by. But no one likes to live in that much pain. Shutting it out is the easiest way around it but then it builds up inside you and when it comes out, it isn’t a pleasant sight. On the other hand, you don’t want to talk about it because that will cause you to bring it up again and make you seem weak because you couldn’t deal with it on your own.

On the outside you smile and go on with your life but inside it feels as if there’s a knife in your heart. You want the pain to go away. You try to make it go away but it doesn’t. You feel like your only way out is to end your life or cover the pain up with alcohol, drugs and bad relationships. I’ve lived it, I’m living it. I know how it feels to have that knife in your heart. For me, I’m usually the one who has to keep it all in order. It’s not easy. Nowhere near easy. Yet, I can’t let it take over me. I have too many responsibilities to see to and there’s no time for me to let it take over. Sound familiar to you?

Caring for the terminally ill is not pleasant and no one wants to do it. I’ve seen people end up in nursing homes or long-term care units in the hospital because it’s too stressful for their loved ones to take care of them. When my maternal great-grandmother couldn’t take care of herself anymore, we as a family didn’t want her to be in a nursing home or long-term care unit.

My oldest brother and his ex-wife were going to be caretakers at home and be paid for it by the state. They weren’t very good caretakers so I had to take on the responsibility of caring for her even though they were getting paid for it by the state. I was still in high school. I told my mom that I didn’t care if I got in trouble for staying home from school because I was going to do whatever I needed to do at home.

My mom couldn’t do a lot at home since she was working two jobs. My grandma had always taken care of us and it was our turn to do the same for her. I helped to give her a bath, change her, help her onto and off of the commode, make her something to eat and just be there for her. It was hard to know that one day I would be making phone calls to the family to let them know she had passed on. I tried not to think about it, I just tried to block it out.

I imagined her seeing me graduate, getting married and having children. I didn’t really care about things that I was missing in school or in my life at the time. This was something that I needed to do because no one else was around to do it. I really needed help but we didn’t even think of calling a hospice program or anything. We believed that we could do it all by ourselves.

Most families don’t go through such extremes as we did but the stress level is almost always at code red at home when caring for a loved one. You need to take a break from it at least once a week, even if it’s only for a day or a few hours. If you can afford to, hire a nurse or certified nurse’s aide to take care of your loved one. If you can’t afford that, see if someone dependable can watch your family member for a few hours while you do something for yourself.

Doing something for yourself is very important. You can’t neglect your well being because it will only cause you to become overly stressed and maybe even sick too. It doesn’t mean you need to go to a spa for expensive treatments or some other costly thing. It might be going to see a movie, relaxing at the beach or just meditating in a quiet place in a park or botanical garden. It will make you feel refreshed and you will be more energized.

Just be sure that whoever will be doing the care taking has a list of any medications that need to be administered, the time it needs to be taken, the method (with or without food, a certain amount of time before or after another medication, etc.) and a way to contact you in case of an emergency. I ended up having a bleeding ulcer at the age of 16 because of stress so I strongly advise taking a break whenever possible.

Also, be prepared for everything. Since many people do not have last wills or prepaid funeral plans, if you aren’t able to have one made, try to find out what your loved one’s wishes are. Some people will feel like you are trying to measure them for a casket but you need to explain that you would like to know because if anything happens, everyone in the family will know exactly what their wishes were. Some hospitals and doctors’ offices have living will booklets that are very helpful too. You fill in your wishes for things like life support, resuscitation, preparation of your body, funeral or memorial service information, etc.

These are legal documents once they are signed by witnesses and/or notarized, and it is a low-cost alternative to a last will. It’s tough enough to deal with a loved one’s death and making arrangements is even tougher if you don’t know what to do.

Death is a part of life but it is very stressful to deal with. Some people like to hide their grief and others are more open with it. Whether or not you want to deal with it openly is your choice. There is no rule for grieving. But you do need to grieve to heal. It’s a very painful process but it needs to be done.

Many support groups online and in your own community help people that are in the grieving process. There are groups for the survivors of people that have committed suicide to loss of a parent, child, sibling or spouse. Sometimes it’s easier to go through something and have others around you that can relate to what you are experiencing. This is especially helpful during the holiday season. If you don’t feel comfortable being part of a group and would rather do it on your own, try writing a poem about the person or a letter to the person.

Basically, you are bringing out your feelings in written form. Maybe it’s things that you weren’t able to tell that person before they passed away or how you feel since they’ve been gone, writing it out is a very good outlet for your feelings. You will cry, there’s no doubt about that, so just let yourself go. You will notice that it helps to let it out. When one of my cousins that I was close to passed away, I cried when I found out, but I guess that I was in shock. It wasn’t until a few days later when I was trying to put together a CD for her funeral service that I suddenly realized why I was making the CD and it hit me hard all at once. So I sat in front of my PC, choosing songs and crying like I couldn’t stop. I felt a lot better after I cried though. I was drained but the pain seemed less intense after letting it out.

Grieving is very important. Don’t try to hold it in or cover it up. You lost someone in your life, essentially a part of your life, you are allowed to grieve. As I mentioned, that the pain never goes away, it only gets easier with time. I have learned that everyone feels pain in a different way and everyone grieves in a different way.

Here are a few tips on dealing with other people who are grieving. If you are trying to comfort someone, don’t say that you know how they feel. Just offer your support instead because in reality you don’t know exactly how they feel. Don’t tell them that the person is in a better place because they want that person to be with them or else they wouldn’t be so upset. Again, offer your support. They will know that you care about them enough to offer them something and they will be very thankful.

Sometimes it’s the little things that you do for a grieving person that will mean the most. Dropping in for a cup of coffee and chit chat or offering to help with cleaning is a nice way to do something for a grieving person. A home-cooked meal is great too but if you don’t have time or don’t know how to cook, get a meal from somewhere. Just stopping in to say hi is quite welcome especially after family and friends are back to their own lives. These are just some things that you can do to help ease the pain for someone who has lost a loved one. I speak from experience not from earning a degree. This is something that you can’t learn from a book or a class.

The bottom line in dealing with the stress from caring for a loved one or from the death of a loved one is to make sure that you take good care of yourself. Life won’t be the same again, but we need to learn from our experiences, take our knowledge with us into whatever else we do in the future, and use our knowledge to help others that walk the path that we once walked. We may still need help from time to time but it doesn’t mean that we are weak. We were strong enough to show that we needed help and we will be strong enough to go on.