Blog #6

All the sadness in the world can not seal a broken heart.

So I may be losing my mind. A few weeks ago I suffered my second miscarraige. Now for those of you who do not know my boyfriend of eight months dumped me when I became pregnant. I had found out the day that he dumped me and was too afraid to tell him.

When I finally told him later in the week he accused me of making it up to keep him in my life. Now mind you this boy, despite how much love I have for him, was a 28 year old that lived in his mother’s basement with no job, no licsence, no car and no ambition to get his life together. I paid for everything and supported him.

Now when I was pregnant I had to endure the terrible rumors and accusations of people saying I was making up the entire thing. Anyone who has ever been pregnant knows that whether or not they carry to full term, their child is their life. Not only did people claim that I was lying about being with child but they said I was sleeping with someone to get pregnant in order to pin the child on my ex.

What a terrible thing to say. I know I am slightly out of my mind but I would never bring a child into this world to please my own means. Now I face the same hurtful comments because I lost my child. People claim I was making up my entire pregnancy in the first place and since it was a failure I am trying to cover my tracks.

All I want is for someone to stand by me and defend me. Never once did I make up my child’s existance. I wish someone could understand how deep it cuts me when they claim that my dead baby was just a falsification. Nearly every time I manage to go to sleep it is because I sob uncontrolably until I can no longer remain concious. Now, after all of this and everything from my past, I feel suffocated and I must drink to feel happy for just a few moments before I slip in to a terrifying sadness.

You do not need to believe me if you know me. I will find a way to get by and get through this all on my own. However, please be kind to someone. It does not matter if you believe in what they are saying. As an outsider you do not realize what is real and what is not. For all anyone knows you could be that person telling tall tales that kills someone a little bit more each day on the inside.

What I ask of anyone is to be kind to their fellow person. We all need a support system. If you do not believe someone’s words still stand by them and let them know you believe in them. How terrible would you feel if you were the last person to push someone over the edge? Stand by your fellow man and be a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear and open your heart!

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