All in the Family: Preparations for the Death of a Loved One

Grandma is dying, and everyone feels bad.  The problem is no one is talking about it, unless it’s to whisper.  Certainly no one talks to grandma who is left to wonder herself what members of the family might be thinking.  Death is difficult for people to face, but they face it better when they can communicate about it with the people they love.   Maybe we should consider how important that is and start doing exactly that.

Experts give a lot of advice about death and dying but most recognize how individual it can be.  For some elders, it’s too difficult to discuss at first and must be done carefully. That’s why it’s good to talk with the doctor, then have the family talk together, as a group, not just one to another.  Have a meeting and sort things out.  Choose a leader in the group and consider things to be said or not said.

Keep family arguments and who has done what, how and when out of the discussion about grandma, specifically when she’s around.  It’s difficult enough to face death; it’s even more difficult when everyone is looking for a piece of this or that or talking about what one or another did or didn’t do.  Leave that for later; death is not the time.  Keep grandma emotionally safe by not indulging personal issues at the special time when she needs focus on her, not issues surrounding some selfish self.

Family counsel is important in preparing for death.  That’s why it’s important to meet before people start making proclamations or big decisions.  One of the major issues involved in funerals is that families don’t talk about them first but wait until the big day comes to start planning, organizing and bickering about it.

At that family meeting, talk about the good things grandma has brought to the lives of family members.  Even if grandma hasn’t been perfect, there are wonderful things to say about anyone.  Now is the time to do that.  The most important time to remember to love is during a goodbye, because there will never be another time.

So get the family together.  Anyone can organize it.  Be prepared for feelings to come up, and allow for them as well.  But begin by saying that the meeting is to prepare each other and grandma, that the focus will be on grandma; and that there needs to be leadership and direction.

You can return and talk to grandma when emotionally prepared.  Time is now precious and can’t be taken back once it has moved on.