A Life in Heels

The Beginning of Nicole

“Congratulations! It’s a boy!”. Boy was he wrong. As a child Nicole was known by the name of Joseph. Joseph was a very quite, private person who would rather stay indoors and watch t.v or play video games rather than play outside like all the “normal” kids. Even at an early age, he knew he was different. He enjoyed playing with Barbies and playing “House” with friends instead. He always wanted to be the mom or the sister, always female. But of course his mother could never know he played such games.He also enjoyed reading, writing, and drawing or if no one was home, he’d try on his mothers clothes. He felt so beautiful in them, he felt things he never felt before. The new feelings were unexplainable especially since he was only 7. That’s when he knew for sure that something was wrong. Ever so softly a small voice in the back of his head said Nicole. He didn’t know what it meant so he simply ignored it and quickly put his mom’s belongings away before she got home. Nicole was finally emerging, Soon a great battle would begin inside of him. Only one can emerge victorious…for a short while that is, for after a survivor is chosen the true war shall begin. Some one has to die.. The Battle Years pass and Joseph is now thirteen. He seems to be a normal teenage boy. He always gets good grades , participates in after school activities and is overall a very intelligent kid. But at home things were different. He had constant arguments with his mother over nearly any little thing. So one day he got his belongings and left to go live with his dad. His parents have been separated since he was just a baby, and he never really had much contact with his dad due to problems between his parents, so when Joseph called his dad for help his dad was more than happy to take him in. His dad saw this as a way to finally have his son with him. Joseph shortly after quit school and only wanted to be home and sleep. His dad was very frustrated seeing as his only son was wasting his life so they started arguing in a regular asis. His step-mom would curse all the time and and they too would argue often. His sisters in his dad side normally ignored everything. He felt attacked, alone, scared, mad, sad,frustrated and tired…very tired. Joseph kept struggling with who he was and all these added attacks were extremely stressful. All he wanted were answers. Why didn’t he like girls? Why does he look at men now and feel attracted to them? Why does he feel wrong? Like if his insides don’t match his outsides. To answer these questions and many others he resorted to books and the internet conducting an extensive research on what it meant to be Gay. In his search he found that being Gay and being Transgender were two different things. But he couldn’t believe, or more like didn’t want to believe he was either. So he conducted an experiment. When he was 14 he met a 24 year old man after school one day and they hit things off and Joseph got his number. He called the guy one night and explained to him how he felt and wanted to know for sure if he was Different, they scheduled to meet at Josephs house in the morning when no one was home. When morning came and he was very nervous about the whole thing. He was afraid that his parents would come home early or that it would hurt, or what was gonna happen and how it was gonna happen. He then heard a knock when he opened the door the man gave him a tight hug and walked in. They both sat down and Joseph was very nervous. The man undressed in front of him and he was speechless. He loved just watching him. The man was tall, white , and had an amazing body. After everything had been done the man got dressed and Joseph asked him to leave, he wanted to be alone. All day he thought to himself about how much he loved it. He was disgusted with himself for liking it. Now he knew he was Gay and slowly began accepting himself. This whole time the little voice kept calling “Nicole”. Joseph still didn’t know why he heard that. Two years later Joseph confesses to his step-mom and dad that hes gay. His dad becomes infuriated and asks Joseph to leave the house. He moves back in with his mom and begins to attend High School once again and also started a part time job. He met a great group of friends who he tells hes gay and they accept him and encourage him to be open about his sexuality. He couldn’t of been happier with the other kids reactions. He was accepted by everyone! But he still didn’t feel right. It was his appearance. Why didn’t he have breast? Why does he have a penis? Why wasn’t he a woman? All these thoughts tormented him everyday. He decided to take the risk and tell his mom he was gay. She seemed accepting, but had some sort of disbelief. Halloween was approaching and Joseph had a great idea. He decided to dress up like a woman. He was so happy! He thought its the only time of the year you can wear anything you want and no one will judge you. He was in heaven when he went shopping for a dress and for a pair of heels with a matching clutch and a few accessories. His last stop was a wig shop. He saw one wig and completely fell in love with it! He was ready. On Halloween day the battle between Joseph and Nicole would be decided. He shaved his legs with excitement of what was to come, he then did his own make up,slipped into the black mini-dress, buckled his beaded stilletos and finally put on the wig. When he looked in the mirror he was speechless. He felt things he hadn’t felt before. What he saw in the mirror looking back at him was right. His outsides matched his insides. He was happy. He finally met Nicole and that’s when Josephs downfall began. The next day he told his mom and she became very upset and disapproved of that and rejected him. Her son would not, could not dress that way. In her mind he was a man and trying to be a woman was ridiculous. Joseph was hurt. He felt that his mom didn’t want him to be completely happy. He felt like maybe what felt so right was very, very wrong. He felt unworthy of his mothers and fathers love. He was afraid of his younger siblings rejection. His siblings meant the world to him. In his mind the only way to stop the worry to stop the tears and the yelling and the constant feeling of being very tired would be to go to sleep…forever. Joseph got 3 bottles of anti-deppressents and sedatives. That night he drank them all. It appeared the world had won and another young soul was put to rest. Joseph never saw morning again. The Outcome That night when Joseph passed away Nicole jumped in and fought with all her might to stay alive. She thought about her brothers and how much she loved them and even though at first she thought she was helping them by not telling them who she was she realized losing her would be even worse for them. She felt she was their protector, she knew she had to live to be there when her brothers needed her. She needed to prove to every one that she was a fighter and despite all odds will make it in this world and be successful. She needed to show the world that shes Not wrong. That the world was wrong for telling her its not OK to be her. Tears ran down her face as her body convulsed uncontrollably, she could feel her heart pounding so fast that it felt it would pop. The pain was excruciating, it felt unbearable. Her body was very cold. Then all of sudden her body stood still, her heart slowed down immensely, the pain was gone but the tears continued. She couldn’t move. She was so weak, breathing was difficult. She felt her life slipping away. She didn’t wanna close her eyes, she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to open them again if she did. In the morning her brother woke up and and ran to her as tho he knew what had happened. He ran to their mother rushing her to Nicole. When she walked into the room and saw her the mother dropped to her knees crying at the sight of Nicole’s near lifeless body. She asked why.. Nicole couldn’t answer, she was to weak and her mind was drifting away. They asked if Nicole wanted to go to the hospital and she was barely able to say no. They didn’t take her to the hospital. Nicole fought to stay alive using her immense love for her siblings as motivation. That afternoon when the family left to the mall Nicole attempted to stand up but she fell. She tried again, and again she fell. She tried once more and managed to reach the restroom. She got into the shower and every drop felt like needles piercing her skin. She came out and went back to her room trying hard not to sleep even though she was exhausted. Her family brought her an electrolyte beverage to hydrate her and try to help her get better. The next day Nicole was amazingly back to near normal conditions. Two days later her mom tells her “If your going to be the way you are, I think its best you leave”. Nicole was heart-broken but she left the house. She rented a small trailer in the other side of town. That’s when she was faced with yet another battle. Learning to be an adult and taking full adult responsibilities at 16.