The Tools to Keep You Alive When Velociraptors Attack

As I mentioned in my earlier article velociraptors could strike as soon as the day after tomorrow. Since there probably won’t be any warning when this happens, you have to make sure you’re prepared for it at any time. In addition to making sure your home is safe against velociraptors, you must also prepare your person. Now is the time to think about what tools you can use to defend yourself against velociraptors.

Fortunately, many of the practical tools to keep yourself safe are items you can find around your home. Thanks to tireless study of ancient folklore and modern research, I’m able to tell you exactly how to keep yourself safe from Velociraptors if you’re caught outside your home when the velociraptors swarm down on you.

Garlic

It’s common knowledge that velociraptors are carnivores and as such they absolutely despise any kind of fruit or vegetable. Garlic has the added bonus of a strong smell that velociraptors find absolutely putrid.

As an added, added bonus, garlic’s smell is powerful enough to mask our own smell. So you see that by carrying garlic on you at all times you can easily stay hidden from velociraptors and even repel them from your hiding spot.

Cardboard Box

Image via Wikipedia

Unlike some dinosaurs, a velociraptor’s vision is not limited to things that move. Standing still in the open is therefore sure to get you killed. For this reason you need to be craftier with where you choose to hide. A cardboard box on hand at all times gives you the option of hiding anywhere and any place.

Unless there is an occurrence of U.S.J.E giving velociraptors X-Ray vision, they will not suspect the innocent cardboard box of really being a squishy, meaty, human steak. Combine this with garlic for a much more effective hiding spot.

Silver

A rod of silver is a surprisingly effective tool for protecting yourself against velociraptors. Anatomically, it is clear that a velociraptor will not be able to reach into its own mouth with any of its limbs. Therefore if you jam a short silver rod into a velociraptor’s jaw, it will be unable to close its mouth and unable to bite anything.

Silver is a practical metal that is not likely to be crushed by either jaw strength or teeth. Just remember to make sure your silver rod has smooth ends. Sharp ends my puncture muscle and skin in the jaw but is not guaranteed to be fatal to it and will allow the jaw to close.

Grey Body Paint

This is a very simple method of disguise but it is timely. Even though they can see things that are not moving, they can tell the difference between a living creature and a statue. At the very least, velociraptors think they can! The truth is that a velociraptor’s eyes are still easily fooled and if you make yourself look like a statue with grey paint then they will leave you alone.

Non-Violent Protest

What is a little known fact about Velociraptors is that they are civil minded predators. If you and a group of others find yourselves together and in a high risk area (A park, a forest, a new age department store, a velociraptor cloning facility) then you can work together to keep yourself safe. Immediately deploy your anti-being-mauled-by-velociraptor picket signs and begin to sing protest songs.

Velociraptors are likely not only to let you have your peaceful demonstration without interruption but if a riot squad tries to stop you the velociraptors will protect your right to a non-violent protest.

Image via Wikipedia

So when the herds of velociraptors swarm upon your city/town/dairy farm, now you know what you need to have readily available and most of these items are relatively cheap so you can prepare enough of these items for your whole family. So get your silver, garlic and cardboard boxes ready because the Velociraptors could only be days away!