No Greasy Rags and Messy Wires, No Cluttered Yards or Discarded Tires

Why do women dump their husbands and either remain alone, find dapper, gay men for roommates or get themselves girlfriends?

Women may come to view their male counterparts a bio-hazards on the home front, to be avoided at all costs. Why?

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A Light-Hearted Look at Things That Drive Women Crazy on the Home Front

• Women like flowers in the yard. Trust me on this: don’t try to convince her that weeds are a practical replacement for grass or that dandelions are nature’s gift of florals.

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• Women like to actually HAVE a yard–you know, that thing that’s buried under those piles of junk and wires, under that mountain of tires you’ve been meaning to dispose of one day.

• Women like wallpaper–and no, receiving a stare as blank as a page of paper doesn’t quite cut it.

• Women like plants on the windowsills. Don’t even go there with that stupid-sounding “Why?” If it’s not blatantly obvious, it should be.

• Women like pretty curtains to frame those windows–and no, they’re not interested in stringing up an old blanket to save money or using that flag that’s been stored out in the garage. (Did you never wonder why you kept bringing the thing into the house and why it mysteriously gravitated back out to the garage?) If you value your life, never, and I mean NEVER mention using tin foil on the windows as a cheap and readily available privacy screen.

• Women like their walls decorated with plates and framed paintings. You will never convince her that the money is better spent on a winky-blinky beer sign in riotous colors that reminds you of the local nightclub or that you could retrieve the flag from the garage and tack it up as a wall hanging.

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• Women like coordinated furniture. Trust me when I tell you that the battered seat you pulled out of the front of your dad’s rusty Chevy will not and will NEVER pass muster as a living room sofa.

• Women like their mates to have “polish.” As an extension of their home, they expect you to look the part. This means you’ll have to say good-bye to your garish looking hockey jersey (the one you think you look smashing in) and your zebra-striped car seat covers (which you know make you look hot)). If you put up resistance in parting with these items, you’ll find yourself in the dog house.

Fellahs, when you tied the knot, it was really a noose, a foreshadowing of the boot-camp you unwittingly signed on for. You may have had visions of homemade Lasagna and lots of lovin’ but . . .

Wake-up call: don’t think that because you’re such an accomplished lover, she’ll forget about the items mentioned above. She WON’T.

Bottom line: you may be a stud-muffin but if you’re a rag-a-muffin, you’ll end up sitting in your hockey jersey on that battered car seat, eating cold store-bought Lasagna and staring at that trusty flag–wishing you had something more than the dog house to live in!

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* Men: what do women do that drives you crazy? Please leave your comments below.

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