Recipe Writers – The Shocking Truth

Have you noticed how people who write recipes often command you, their readers, to take actions that apparently bear no relation to recipe instructions?

Some of these recommendations are quite benign, and are no doubt well-meaning and kindly.

·        Stir occasionally.  (I don’t know about you, but this is something I do a lot)

·        Keep warm (Now, that’s good advice, and downright thoughtful)

·        Cool off for ½ hour.  (Yes, good idea.  All cooks want to get away from the hot kitchen for a while)

·        Dampen with a little cold water (No doubt to cool off your hot brow).

·        Stand aside for 10 minutes. (Thanks, I needed a break)

But be warned, there are those writers of recipes who are twisted.  Their instructions are perverse, heinous, dangerous, impossible and illegal.  You perform them at your own peril.

·        Boil the water rapidly, uncovered, until the rice is cooked. (You keep your nudism to yourself.  We’re decent people, we are)

·        Stand overnight. (What the hell for?)

·        Chop the flesh coarsely. (We are neither self-harmers nor self-flagellators).

·        Divide into two (You do it first, and then email me with instructions).

·        Stand in a large pan of boiling water. (It’s a good thing I’m not stupid.  I got out of the pan when the water got to 80 degrees.)

·        Pierce the breasts with a knife. (What sort of person ARE you?)

·        Beat until stiff.  (This again indicates the vicious, sadistic streak this of this recipe writer. Anyway, I’m stiff as I’ll ever be)

·        Roll into a ball shape (LOL.  But I’ll try if you like.  As I said before, I’m not stupid.).

Would you like the recipe for a Half-Cooked Meatball?