Don’t Put Mozzarella on It and Tell Me It’s “Italian”

Image by midorisyu via Flickr

It’s my own fault. I confess. I was up too late. So I got up in the morning with time only to get dressed, pour coffee into my thermos, and take off to work. I had no time to eat breakfast or pack a lunch.

I’ve learned that if I drink too much coffee on an empty stomach, I get the jitters. So I have to eat something in the morning. Thus I was reduced to the dreaded vending machine.

Looking at the selections I see “Italian” chicken sandwich with Mozzerella. Ugh. It’s a Soylant Green like breaded chicken-ish patty with a slice of Mozzerella on it. Benedetta Vitali would die a little inside to see such an aberration called “Italian”. Just call it “Chicken Patty with Mozzarella”.

Another selection in this nether realm of epicurean wasteland was “Cheddarhead Brat”. For you non-Wisconsinite readers, a “brat” is not an unruly, disrespectful child. Brat is short for bratwurst. It may or may not be obvious that the term “Cheddarhead” is meant to imply that the substance inside this “brat” is wisconsin cheese. That may or may not be the case, but my point is that they are weakly attempting to appeal to a Wisconsinite’s sense of state pride. The “brat” part doesn’t even slightly resemble what we generally recognize as a bratwurst. It is more like a smoked sausage.

Then there are the brand-name quick heat items like beef stew. I’m not sure I’d even feed that stuff to a dog. Then there’s the ubiquitous ramen noodles in a cup. And instant oatmeal, Easy Mac and Cheese, Chili, etc. At least that stuff isn’t trying to dress itself up with appealing monikers.

This isn’t limited to the vending machine underworld. There are scores of products on the market that bill themselves as “Italian” or “Mexican” or “Chinese”, etc. So much of this stuff is a bastardization of ethnic food if not altogether American.

Regardless, my eating habits are far from healthy. There are a lot of convenience foods that I actually like. But to quote Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Call it what it is. Don’t try and dress something up to try and make me think it’s in some way more appealing than it really is. Especially in the vending machine. I can’t imagine anyone buying stuff out of there because they like it. It’s “food” for the desperate. I’m not sure one could actually call it food.

I ended up getting a brat and burger sandwich. It was a sausage patty and a burger patty with cheese. Fair enough.

My lesson: Pack lunch before I go to bed= Save myself from vending machine hell.