Aunt K- The Agony Aunt with Issues

Dear Aunt K,

I have been with my boyfriend for the past two years, in this time he has never introduced me to his friends or family. I see him once a fortnight if that. He hardly calls or replies to my messages and when he does hes very vague. Birthdays are non existent he never remembers and anniversaries are exactly the same.

When we meet up its amazing, he shows me attention, we laugh, we fall asleep and then i wake up alone . I love him so much but something just doesn’t feel right. He is my first proper boyfriend so I’m unsure of how this is meant to work. 

Aunt K please help!!

Hannah, 22 wales.

Hannah Love, are you SERIOUS??? I quote ‘ something just doesn’t feel right ‘  are you having a laugh, its taken you two years, to notice that something is wrong and you sum it up in five lines and one word and as a capable adult you cant come to a conclusion, on your own… 

You are what they call a booty call or a friend with benefits, he’s using you. He probably has a girlfriend a couple of kids, and you my dear have taken a title he probably never confirmed, you have assumed your his girlfriend because for the last two years you have been brainwashed by his penis.. 

He doesn’t even buy you gifts, thank god, because then you would have upgraded from a booty call to an underpaid prostitute and no one likes being a underpaid prostitute. (I have the dear Aunt k letters to prove this).

I have a solution, its called the chili powder effect a bit like lynx but the complete opposite.. Arrange a night ha ha ha ha I cant believe I said arrange a night, a booty call doesn’t have a choice, he shows up when he wants.. yes that was harsh but hey, get mad and get even. SO when he finally decides to make an appearance give him a massage, a slow, sensual one.. have two tubs of creme by the bed.  creme number 1 is going to be your decoy, your gonna rub this creme everywhere get the dirty git so comfortable he gives his trust to you completely, when hes not looking dip your hand into creme number 2 containing the special chili recipe (my mothers secret recipe attached to this letter) and rub it all over his brainwashing machine.. it should triple in size immediately, with luke warm water it should reduce slightly.. however, this will teach him a big lesson as you will deny it all, he wont be able to hide this from his other women or main woman and have an awful lot of explaining to do as this does not just look like an irritation it looks like an STI.. talking of which I hope you have been checked in the last two years booty calls generally get a lot more than a one night here and there..

Hannah I truly hope you find happiness but in all fairness you wont find it here with him… good luck and may the odds for ever be in you favor. 

AK